Hubert and Neubert

Hubert was a train conductor
Neubert was his train
Across the land the pair would go
Over mountains through the plains

Neubert loved the things they saw
But oceans best of all
Hubert loved them too except
He loved Neubert best of all

For years and years and years and years
the two were quite the pair
For wherever you saw Neubert
You knew Hubert was near there

The train conductor's loyalty
unquestionable - beyond sway
But then a sad thing happened
On a very gloomy day

You see Neubert had gotten older
Too old to do his job
So the company had to call poor Hubert in
And tell him while he sobbed

"You're days with Neubert are over
He's too old to go on
We have another train for you
her name is Amazon"

So Hubert had a new train
and oer the plains they'd go by
But it didn't matter where they went
All Hubert did was cry

And Amazon saw Hubert
The pain that he was in
 And she knew that for poor Hubert
There was only one thing left for him

So late one night when all was dark
she crept into the station
Hubert got out and Neubert squeeked
Reunion jubilation!

Hubert boarded Neubert
And he fired up the stove
And together once again at last
Happily away they drove

And that was more than twenty years ago
But the rumors say
That if you pay attention
You can still see them today

Hubert driving Neubert
Over mountains and through plains
Neubert glad to be out again
And Hubert loves loves loves his train!

The end

Don't mess with peas!

Philip Falwell was a pea
A dashing smashing pea was he
In his pod he grew and grew
For what purpose he never knew

Then one day the word came round
- oer the hills and through the ground
The season's come for harvesting
Which Philip found disheartening

See Philip was happy to grow and grow
Not remotely ready to be harvested so
Philip was happy as he grew and grew
He wasn't ready to become a stew

So Philip said:

"I'm looking for a few draftees
To bring freedom to all peas
All for one and one for all
They'll never take us - we'll never fall!"

And peas together gathered round
And formed into a gigantic mound
A ferocious sight put on display
So ferocious that the farmers cancelled harvest day

And Philip led the winning war
Unexpected heretofore
And having now saved all the peas
He said "hey, vacation! ... in Belize!"

And Philip led them towards Belize
Towards good living by the sea
When they arrived to a light breeze
They shouted "Philip! Greatest of all peas!"

Takin on TV

Now folks let's get to talking cause I know you watch TV
But media is a-changin' and it's time for dorky poetry
TV can be addictive, so many shows to spot
But let me tell you all right now dorky poetry's just a HOT!

I just need an angle and then the battles over
You best tell the TV that it better run for cover
Television's porky - me I am so dorky
I'm fresher than you've ever been TV your are cold turkey

TV can't take the hotness of dorky poetry
Who cares about the shows its got when you can rhyme like you were three?
I'm givin it fair warning, it's time has come and gone
The time of dorky-poetry's now so people now C'MON!

Dork dork dorky ... dorky poetry's where it's at
You cannot stop the hotness, you cannot handle that
Dork dork now dork it up! Ok I've gone too far
But stick with me - eshew TV - I'm awesomer by far!

Barack in a smock

Christmas time's arrived
Soon new years will be hear
And all I want to get my friends
- please listen, let's be clear -

Barack in a smock while he's singin punk rock
Bush jr with a tuner singin hoppin like a crooner

McCain on a crane while he's shouting "what's my name?"
Embattled mrs Clinton getting back to feeling sane

Palin going sailin she's got Ruskies on the brain
Biden all a-smilin' saying "How old am I again?"


Ryan on a lion going on about Zion

Mitt in a pit accusing Obama of lyin'

O'reilly less wily maybe even a bit smiley
McCain on a plane, looking just the least bit lively

Tom cruise has new shoes while he's singin' the blues
Newt's feeling less abused, but he still abhores the news

And people all around the world from land until the sea
Are shouting for the ultra special secret opportunity
To be the next star fallen on reality TV

--- That's all I want for me ---

Politic-itis

Dear Mr Obama I know you had hopes
And in your campaign you hit all the right notes
America's sick and its not rheumatitis
In fact what we've got is called politic-itis

Yes we're very sorry for attacks from the right
Which we know have got you up all day and night
Like a viral infection in Washington DC
The government is sick - it's been put on IV

Dear president Obama I know that you know
That you were our last hope for which way to go
Partisan politics need to go but instead
We find that the fighting and vitriol has spread

Its not your fault, no please I don't blame you
For this condition's not entirely new
But to be truthful we're all feeling blue
For we still have hopes that our pols will come through.

(To be continued...)

False friends

Words are very tricky, especially so when
Instead of speaking in just one language your speaking in ten
Similar sounding words across the languages occur
And that is why in Hebrew she is he... because he is her!

While dining in Jerusalem, feel free to order "dog"
It isn't what you think it is - you'll be okay with god. ("dag" mean fish in hebrew)
Israel has a "mafia" on each and every block
Filled with delicious cookies, unless they're out of stock

Language is confusing, enough to get you miffed
You better be on guard I say for Germans giving gifts (... that's German for "poison")
And "Ich bin ein Berliner" means your filled with sweet sweet jelly
Just like "a la mode" is talking 'bout a pie and not something more revolutionary

Much better off your are, many times much better
To get an Englishman's blessing rather than a Frenchman's "blesser"
The Spanish love their "mami's", as Israeli's also do
But in England to love your mom like that is totally taboo

In Germany a "waffle" is not something you eat (it's a rifle)
In fact I'm sure the Germany would ban waffles from the street.

Likewise when a Spanish girl says she's "muey embarrasado"
She's saying that she's pregnant, its not a faux-de-pass-do (... okay, I cheated on that one)


And don't be fooled I tell you now don't think that you're in luck
'cause he's not saying "you're a jewel" when he tells you you're a schmuck
A Frenchman who is telling you that he wants your "support"
Is telling you get on your feet, not to help him out in court

Bagelsday

I've a suggestion for us all if you please
Inspired by bread, raisins, and lots of cream cheese
We need to celebrate its just not okay
That though there are seven days there's no Bagelsday

Well I propose that Bagelsday come right after Shabbat
Such a pleasure to wake up with Bagels that are hot
And covered with cream cheese, lathered with jam
Or on special occasions with salmon or lamb

It could be so biblical we could recall
As bagels like manna from the sky they would fall
And each of us happy for what we've received
A jolly day for all that is so well conceived

We could all sit around, as we munch up with joy
Our bagels - so perfect! - for a growing boy
And for a girl who is growing big too
It's Bagelsday fun as we all say "wahoo!"

Don't tell me I'm genius I know that I am
Bagelsday's the best idea known to women and men
Thanks are in order but everyone if you please
It's all inspiration from bread, raisins and cream cheese

Vegan Food

Vegan food vegan food
When you're hungry and in the mood
Vegan food vegan food
Have it raw or have it stewed

Today is the day for tofu hot dogs
Tomorrow take the tofu and make quahogs
Tofu Tofu everywhere!
("Psst you pronounce it 'Dofu'") what? I do not care

30 years old

Happy birthday to me!

Happy birthday to me!

Today I turn 30 and its awesome OMG! 

Something

Something something maybe its just nothing
But maybe it is something something out of nothing

Sitting with on a pumpkin which I'm sharing with bumpkin
I said how do you do? He said, "Hi my name is Lumpkin"

Lumpkin had a story and it was rather haury
About a girl named Dorry who'd met him on a lorry

Dorry wasn't frightening in fact she was enlightening
My senses were a-heightening when it hit me like forked lightning

"You mean Dorry from Bombay?" I met here just today
Just over by the bay - and she told me "s'il vous plait"

I tried to speak her languages but I ended up in bandages
So I took her out for sandwiches as we discussed old adages

Sabbath Song

Six days a week the world whirls quickly
And everyone is working on their feet
But Shabbat breaks all that up discretely
A holy day to change your ways once a week

And everyday the world's about possession
Trading time to gain more than you've got
But on the seventh day its time for decompression
Build "A cathedral in time" - shalom! - now that's shabbat!

(Chorus)

Everyday, we work and we play
But come shabbat, our souls to G-d we lift
And spend the day to celebrate G-d's gift

The shabbath is a day away from society
The other six days a week we work towards a goal
And those six days we feed the body with variety
But the Sabbath is a day to feed the soul

(Chorus)

Sing the sabbath rhyme - "A cathedral in time"
Seven days a week - but the sabbath for your soul

(Chous)

The best sport ever

Hello all my friends lets come gather near me
We're gonna play games n just so you see it clearly
I am the best at all games in the world
Come let's get started - see my brilliance unfurled!

Be it poker or hearts or monopoly
I am the best one can possibly be
The only times in these games that I suck
Is when I just have terrible luck

Yes checkers and chess I play with finesse
I win every game I am such a success
Unstoppable undroppable I win every time
And I know that you know that I know I'm sublime

So please come right over and sit next to me
And let me treat you to a game maybe two maybe three
Just 'cus I win doesn't mean you shouldn't play
I'm a very good sport so please don't be that way

I'm considerate of your moves though they cannot compare
But you know that of course 'cause I'm the best that's out there
But I'm so polite that I'll still play with you
And humor your hubris until its all through

Yes I am the best sport ever there is no contest
When it comes to playing games I am simply the best

Grace

Grace under pressure is a beautiful skill
Grace to be good when you don't have will

Grace to step out of your shoes for a sec
And help someone out who is quite a wreck

Grace mixed with providence proven in time
The rarest of mixtures but the one most sublime

Grace to recover and grace to be good
Grace we don't have but we would if we could

Uninspired

I don't know what I should say
I've got no ideas yet today
Inspiration is low but I'd like you know
Despite all of this I'm okay

It is important for me
To show a little dorky pedigree
I must find a rhyme but I haven't the time
Oi veh, oh woe unto me

Some of you out there - I'm sure you know how it feels
When you're searching for something, but it never appears
A sparkle or a thought - something to get you on track
But with no thoughts in my head, this poem's certain to be whack

On a cold and cloudy day
I think maybe that I should pray
Dear lord on high please tell me why
My rhymes begin to decay

A little bit of rhyming is what the people want
Me though, I don't know I think I'd prefer a croissant
Poetry's inspiring, or so they all say
Oh how I wish for a poem to inspire me today

Limericks #1

There once was a guy named Dean

Who wasn't very clean

He was dumped in the tub and thoroughly scrubbed

And said "Hey! My mom's so mean!"

There once was a girl named Sarah

Who wore a little bit too much mascara

Though she looked like a clown she did not wear a frown

And said "Hey! This is totally new era!"

There once was a boy named Rodrigo

Who had an inordinate ego

When he lost all his friends he tried to make amends

And said "Hey! Que pasa mi amigo?"

There once was a chick named Colleen

Who everyone found quite obscene

A friend told her "Hey... You're disgusting okay?"

And she said "What the fuck do you mean???"

There once was a gentleman named Mitt Romney

Who, as a candidate was sadly tawny

But he said with a stare "You had better beware!"

"If you think I'm from punxsutawney!"

There once was a guy named Barack

Who had an enormous ... ... um, political bloc

He claimed he would bring change but its more of the same
"Hey man, the Republicans blocked!"

Hurricane-itis

I can't speak for all but it sure seems to me
That the hype on the hurricane as we're into day three
Is not very interesting... Its all the same faces on TV!

Hurricane's come and hurricane's go
But this one was bigger than the ones years ago
Hurricane's come in all sizes big and small
But this might have been NYC's biggest of all!
Hurricanes tend to start out over the seas
But when they hit land they take out all the trees
Tropical storms form out over the ocean
And as they get stronger they earn a promotion
Hurricanes land and when they do they explode
With tremendous energy they are bestowed
Are you a hurricane? No you are not
In front of the hurricane you don't mean scott
However if I say, and if you'll allow me
Like a hurricane - well that's just what some people'd like to be!
I don't mean to alarm, I don't mean to be scary
I'm not naming names so please don't be wary
But sometimes within our domestic tranquility
I can get confused 'tween a hurricane and my wifey!

Carribean Food

When you are hungry or in a bad mood
When you are lonely and others been rude
When you feel like today you got screwed
...
You need delicious Carribean food!

If you're looking for some good finger lickin
Then may I suggest that you get some jerk chicken
It comes with some sides but the best if you please
Is get it with broccoli, rice with the peas

But if the jerk chicken does not fit your boat
Then maybe you ought to consider curry goat
Beyond delicious is how I'd describe
But just taste it - go on, and you can decide


(Bridge)
But if that doesn't do it and you still want more
You'll never believe the delicious entrees in store

But look its okay if goat's not your wish
'Cause otherwise you might want to try the jerk fish
It may look a little scary when served on the plate
But don't let that put you off, because it tastes great!

Fights!

I don't like you. I don't like you. You are not my friend
No you can't sit next to me our friendship's at an end

No I will not talk to you; I wish you'd go away!
You are so pedantic I don't know what to say!

Better off without you,alone I scintillate
But when you're near sorry my dear my soul you consternate

You're so formulaic, while I shine like mosaic
Just leave right now I don't care how 'cause life is not prosaic

You are just so hectic you make me apoplectic
No we're not friends and now it ends within this dialectic

You are not artistic. You are not synergistic
Your logic's bad - no don't get mad that you are anachronistic!

My life

I must admit I can't recall the days when I was one
But based on everything I've heard I was quite the charming son!
Some kids learn to walk real fast but that was not my way
On all fours I'd lap the floor in a blindingly fast display

When I was two I knew I'd grew much bigger and better by far
I also learned my first word ever - the word I learned was "car"
Now everyone knows that cars have four wheels, and a stroller does too
So what's the difference really? Well, there was none that I could construe!

By the time I was three (oh my oh me!) I had my first girlfriend
Her name was Nicole and she was real droll and she lived down the block at the end
And every day together, every chance I'd get
I'd ask her to marry me, and she'd say "okay, but not yet"

When I was four we moved to New York and I was too young to love from afar
But even more I cried and cried when my parents, when they sold the car!
To Montessori school I went and bigger and bigger I grew
We sang some songs and did some art - and I ate a whole lot of glue

... To be continued

The Yankees are in trouble

The day is October the nineteenth
Two thousand and twelve AD
And it is a sad day in Gotham
Especially if you're a Yankee

Bet you've heard about this news already
But the Yankees were swept by Detroit
In the four games that they played together
The Yankees were just maladroit

Yes I'm sorry to say its all over
After one hundred seventy one games
The Yankees are out of the playoffs
And the season has gone up in flames

So now all the attention we gave them
And all of our hopes have been dashed
The Yankees are out of the playoffs
And they might as well just have come last

Its a terrible thing to be beaten
Out of the playoffs to be bounced
But its a whole 'nother thing when your swept from the ring
Like the Yankees who the Tigers just trounced

How could this ever have happened?
Who fault is it? Who's to blame?
You can say that baseball's a team sport
But right now I need a name

Someone has got to be fired
Yes somebody's head has to roll
Guys the Yankees are out of the playoffs so obviously
Please point me to who has to go

Morning

Red streaks start to creep into the room
   As dawn begins, and the sun is on the rise.

And I touch her back: brown, I know, though I can't see it, and smooth as a baby's bottom, as they say.
   Her eyes, round and brown. He eyes (so disarming) that peer into my soul.

All is quiet, except we making love. The sun continues to rise
   And I could swear I hear the earth singing

The best parent ever

I will be the best parent ever
watch - I know I will
My own parents weren't so clever
They haven't my skill

To start with my kids - they won't cry
Because it is banned
Just come see you can't deny
Its worked out like I planned

The absolute epidome
of cleanliness they'll be
Just come around and then you'll see
my plans played out splendiforously

The kids will be so well bred
A delight to hear and a sight to see
And every morn they'll make their beds
And every night they'll make us tea

What's that you say
You've seen the kids?
They're jumpting around on the bed?
Can't be our kids
No how no way
That's not how they have been bred

(Sheesh stop it kids please cut it out
you are wrecking our home
... My plans undone, there's no doubt
A cruel end to my dorky poem)

Rain

Is it just me or is there something wrong
With days when the rain does its thing for so long?
Morning to noontime and into the night
The rain goes and swallows up all of the light

When I wake up and the sky is that grey
I dream of staying in bed through the day
The dreariness sogginess bums me right out
I don't want to move and I don't wanna go out

I wish that the sun would come back up today
If my wish should come true I would yell out "hurray!"
But just like a six hundred ton impregnable train
There is no stopping this ponderous rain

Where'd it go?

It's lost I can't find it

Its nowhere to be found

And I've search the whole place over

Yet it must still be around

I've searched in bedroom

I've searched on the floor

But its not in the living room

Or hanging from the door

Searching searching searching

Until my face turns blue

But I must keep on searching

Until the task is through

... Honestly, what should I do?

I need it it's vital

But its very hard to find

I've searched up and down this place

I think I've lost my mind

I'm at a loss to figure out

Just where it could be hiding

Endeavoring to calm myself

But chaos is abiding

I've given up it won't be found

With reason or with science

And therefore I'm considering

that I may need a seance

... Nothing rhymes with seance, okay? But I need one - so BACK OFF!!!

Oh my life is hell

....

I've nothing more to tell

...

I hope you all are well!

Free Speech

The issue in the headlines that's captured all the eyes

The issue of our time it seems on which the tempers rise

"We must defend free speech" they cry, "No matter what the cost"

"The most important thing to us no matter the lives lost"

But there are limits, I'm sure you'll all agree

To what can be said by you or me

To the limits to which speech should be free

And therein lies hypocritical

For instance if I'm at a show

And I shout "Fire!" that's a big no no

You can't cause panic in a large crowd

This kind of speech is simply not allowed

In your speech 'bout people of a certain kind

You are free to speak your mind

But you cannot say they deserve to die

Or even to get hit with a whipped cream pie

Speech is fine until it ain't

You're absolutely free to state your complaint

But your legal defense will have some weakness

If you go about sharing government secrets

Freedom of speech is never absolute

I hope in your head that by now you compute

That tho we hold free speech in our hearts

There are still limits to your remarks

The question never was o'er free speech

But rather how far we should reach

Permitting people to say their care

What is right and what is fair

America has this idea that our way is the best

When we compare us to the world there's really no contest

But stop a while and consider that others out there too

Have thought about life and what its for and how best to live it through

Though we like to think that we're ethically advanced

Wall street's done it share to show that our ethics were romanced

The only way for you and me to ever possibly be free

Will only come if we can see that everyone's as good and smart and worthy as me

... And try to not always push our pedegogery

NOT only that

Can we take a pause, just to give recognition
To credit John Edwards the disgraceful politician
Yes Mr John Edwards, once upright and pure
Had a long way to fall, oh boy that's for sure

Now to his credit there was a time
When John Edwards like looked sublimely sublime
His marriage, his character, and his four kids
All seemed to sparkle with radiant glitz

Then he ran for president morally strong
And that was when everything started to go wrong

In 2007 he had an affair
So listen all you politicians out there
You're gonna get nipped yes your gonna get caught
So stop acting like you never gave it a thought

NOT only that, but Rielle had a kid
That ruined his possible presidental bid
So pols if you're out there looking out him with scorn
Remember: its much worse if a child is born
... This brought down the governator too so best be forewarned

NOT only that but he made a big flaw
'Cause he used campaign money - it's against the law
To use public money to cover up your sins
Wheeling and dealing just to save your own skin

NOT only that but he lied to us all
Yes he was a sham who's now hitting the wall
He went on trial and then was acquitted
But don't think to the senate he'll be readmitted

NOT only that but sadly its true
That he's not alone - no this is what pols do
Who's to save us now? Who can be trusted?
When upright politicians all seem to get busted

The great men and women with no flaw in sight
All seem to have secrets that they keep inside
So I say enough we should vote for a regular joe
... Maybe not the solution, but its one way to go

53

It fills me with pleasure, it fills me with glea
The the republican party - the party of tea
Has seen fit to endorse a man named Romney
Which is great, cause it rhymes with "dorky poetry"

The October election is picking up steam
And candidates are strategizing along with their teams
And asked by his supports what kind of president he'd be
Romney said he only cares about the fifty three


Do you know? Did you hear - hear what Romney just said?
I think you must have heard it, it's been very widespread
Romney is running - he wants to be the president
Of the greatest earners out there - the top fifty three percent


Now it's not uncommon, no its no surprise
To hear that a pol has been telling us lies
So bravo to Romney for telling the truth
Though it may cost him the election - its really uncouth!

Romney has told us that he'd like to be
The CEO in charge of the best fifty three
Percent of Americans - hope that means you
Cause if not, well tough luck but what can you do?

Romney is smart - 'bout as smart as can be
He speaks on the road and he speaks on TV
He's trying his hardest, he's been making his plea
To be the leader of the fifty three

There are no candidates that I adore
And voting has become a voice against the one you hate more
But when you go voting and your choice is Romney
Feel good that he's looking out for the top fifty three

Worst movies ever

Now this is a list of the worst movies ever
Many had promise but none turned out clever
Whether flawed with the acting or in the technique
These films are all special in the way that the reek

#5 Titanic

One of the top grossing films of all time
Is at number five in the worst film ever rhyme
From the start to the finish of this naval epic
The acting, the love scenes while make you feel sick
The Jack Rose affair just is so misbegotten
Please cut to the sinking this movie is rotten

#4 The Blair Witch Project

This was a film that came up with great hype
A low budget film of the independent type
The film had the power to impress movie scholars
Who loved that it only cost fifty thousand dollars

Well I'm sorry to say that despite all the hype
This film lacked the power to cause any fright
An hour and a half spent and I left in a bad mood
After scene after scene of people lost in the woods

#3 Dumb and dumber

I think that his film was meant to be bad by design
The plot and the characters so asinine
Unless you enjoy seeing stupid people in pain
I'd recommend never watching this film again

#2 Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull

At number two is Indy and his Crystal Skull
The last of the Indy's and one you should cull
Spielberg blamed Lucas for the fact that it is
One of the worst films made in the last twenty years

#1 Transformers

At number one here we have the Transformers
A graphical tragedy who scale is enormous
Just watch and see that you don't have conniptions
The unending series of graphical manipulations

Who's good and who's bad? Do we know do we care?
I do think we do it's a CG affair
As robots transform you are held in suspense
Waiting for anything to make one iota of sense

Friends

If I have just one thing to tell
A little advice that I could lend
There's nothing that will keep you well
that's better for you than a friend

Friends are a key to a happy life
They stay will you no matter what
Even more than a husband or wife
You need friends when you're in a rut

Friends who love you hold you dear
They're always there right by your side
Yes no matter how far they're always near
If you've fallen off the ride

Friends are useful in finding your groove
They're always fun in games and play
And friends are necessary when you move
And on a cloudy, drizzly day

Friends are there through thick and thin
They pick you up when things are tough
They'll cheer you up with a sweet grin
And tell you they can't love you enough

Yes my friend heed my advice
Keep your friends in your life always
Because no matter the perils of you find in life
You'll be happy all your days.

Caroline

Caroline is so extreme
Except when she is not
Somehow she know me oh so well
it ties me in a knot
How do I cope how can I live
When myself I do not know
She who knows me oh so well
It's purgatory hell
But yet each day I  have to say
She makes my life so blessed
I have to say I hope some day
That I'll reach the end of all her tests
Every day I must improve
The pressure never stops
And everyday my life improves
... except when it does not.
I wouldn't trade her for anything
despite intermittent strife
She's not s o easy day to day
But I absolutely tutti fruitti
want her for all of my life

Republican Convention

This is the time yes the time of the year
The time for conventions is drawing quite near
The RN convention is starting again
Amidst a powerful tropic hurricane

Do I care? No I don't cause it aint got a zing
You know its impossible to follow everything
The general election is still months away
So who cares who'll remember the things that they say?

Do you care? No you don't it's a waste of your time
What with your smart phone you're always online
You've got Facebook and email and much much more
Who has got time for the pols? OMG Such a bore!

I mean lets be serious does it matter anyway?
Have you ever known a pol who would do what he'd say?
The speech at the convention hit all the right notes
But it's all about posturing looking for votes

Conservative politics it seems to me
Is one part fiscal and twenty parts tea
But they come together with a strong message that
What ever you do please don't vote Democrat
Whatever we are we're much better than THAT

Now the Supreme's given corps a free say
The airways are full of attack ads each day
This one is horrible the next even worse
And all of this blinds us to any discourse
About the real problems in the US's course

Politics are politics and they're not gonna go away
But you cannot trust anything that anyone has to say
When all of its posturing trying to buy sway
I'm sorry. I'm out, I'ma watch Project Runway.
(They are much more pleasant to look at by the way)

Trees

Guess what it was I saw today?
Said little Mary Anne McCray
I saw a Tree and it was brown
You may have seen them around town

But this was a very special tree
For as I passed it winked at me
And said to me "how is your day?
How are you Mary Anne McCray?"

And I was stunned my legs were weak
'Cause as you know no tree can speak
And I knew for sure that I was crazy
but it spoke again - it was amazing

I'm a tree a tree is me
I try to be the best tree I can be
But look around and I'm sure you'll see
That standing in this park's too much for me

I may look tough but I am old
150 years sitting here, truth be told
And all this sitting has me down
I'd like to see the rest of town

I'm sorry to hear your sad sad tale
Said little Mary with a wail
But I've no idea just what to do
I'm just so much smaller than you

And the tree said

I see your point I'm so forlorn
Perhaps though you could take an acorn
And plant it in the center of town
That way I could pass my legacy down

So Mary did as she was told
In the shadow of a tree that was really old
She took the pod and laid it down
Direct in the middle of the center of town

And as the day wore on and the sun flew by
The tree had had enough and gave a cry
It shriveled up and disappeared
Simultaneously a leaf appeared
Direct int the middle of the center of town
And by now the sun was down
And the leaf said "Thank you Mary I'm now a happy tree
As happy as any tree can be"

And that's the end of this story

Arnold the Aardvark

So gather round children and let me recount
The story of an aardvark who had curiosity in no small amount
His name was Arnold, and legends abound
In fact he's the most famous aardvark around
And this is the story of what he found

Arnold the Aardvark woke up with a start
By a dog who was barking alone in the dark
Unable to sleep he got out of his bed
Put on his shoes, ate a half slice of bread
Went outside to check if the dog had been fed

Davy the dog was in no mood to chat
I am ferocious en garde! Stand back!
I've come here to warn you with a message practical
That I am the fiercest of all fierce animals!

Yikes said Arnold I didn't know that!
So with you around I need not fear that cat
That's lurking behind you planning attack
... He looks like he's after a bit of your flank!

And right at that moment emerged a great cat
Who's name was Kenny (or something like that)
He arched up his back and he showed off his claws
And said "I am the fiercest animal of all!"

"Mercy!" cried Davy who fled down the road
For the cat was a mighty beast to behold
Arnold said "Oh dear cat you're as great as can be"
"I believe you're as fierce as a being could be
With that in mind I'm sure you have no fear of the flea
That's just come to join in our camaraderie"

"A flea A flea oh my god OMG!"
I'm out of here yes its my turn to flee!"
And with that Kenny turned and ran down the street
No longer the fiercest animal to beat

Soon after Arnold ran into a gecko named Carmello
Who strode down the road with a really great bellow
Now where is that cat oh now where can he be?
'Cause I need to find him as well as his flea
Because as you know fleas taste so good to me
And with no other animal now with the crown
Carmello is the fiercest beast in this town!

But just as Carmello was having his licks
In slinked a shiny black mammal - a lynx
"Ah ha I've got you Carmello you fool
For my name is slink and over these parts I rule"

This procession continued throughout the whole night
As animals everywhere gathered to fight
For the title of fierce to be settled once and for all
Around and around in a jumbling thrall

Arnold sat on the ground and he watched it play out
Animals flying inwards and then flying out
And as evening came to a close and the sun crept back up
Well just about every animal had had enough

Cries of "You cheated! You cheated! I should have won!"
"I am the most dreaded of everyone"
"Enough!" Cried back Arnold "this cannot go on"
"We cannot keep fighting like this - guys come on"

Can't we just stop and then call it a draw?
It seems to me you're all the fiercest animal of all
And that way the title of fiercest you can all keep
But as for me... Me I just want to sleep
Good night all, I hope to see you all next week

You so crazy!

Oh my god oh my god what did you just do?
What now made you do that? Is something wrong with you?

Did you did you did you? Just suck an ant up in your nose?
Tell me that I didn't see you drink from the garden hose

I know I can't have seen you take your sister's dolls
Bring them to the backyard n set fire to them all

I'm sure I'm sure you wouldn't do what just now you did
It wasn't you - please say its true - that covered the floor in squid

I know you'd never do this you'd never even think
To take my pet bird - yes I know its absurd - and then throw it down the sink

I know even you - oh please tell me its true
You wouldn't dare do what I saw you just do

Please stop that's enough get a hold of yourself!
You need to come down and get off of that shelf

Please please be behaved, sit up and eat your food
If you do this I promise I'll be in a good mood

Yet despite all the endless efforts I've construed
To get you to behave in the way that you should
In the end I've no choice, yes one must surely conclude
That there's nothing for it; you'll never be subdued

Parents

To all the pesky parents around the world today
I bring to you a message, please hear now what I say

Your pernicious parenting is plainly just pure pain
Please change your ways I beg you before I say again

Overbearing onslaught of juvenile operations
Is festering a fetid feeling of adolescent frustrations

Your eager edgy enthusiasm to see us as elite
Sorry sentimental seniors, stop stop stop stop stop... repeat

I'd rather really be as red in the face as I can be
And not see as you see, but just be free call myself me

Carefully collected are the memories of your calls
To be best boy the best oh boy! The bestest of them all

Looking longingly at my life and riding round the ring
Promise I will make you proud... but first, let me be a kid

The best color is...

Please gather round me children
Your attention's what I need
Because today we will discuss
A topic great indeed

And I need all the input
From your sister and your brother
Because today it is our task
To pick the very best color

"Blue" said Sue "I'm sure it's true"
"The color of the sea"
"Green" said Gene "Here's what I mean"
"The color of the tree"

"Red" said Ted "Is in my head"
"The color of true love"
"White" said Wainright "It must be right"
"The color of the heavens above"

"Black" said Jack "HA HA take that!"
"The color of the night"
"Orange" said Lauren "Though rather boring"
"The color of first day light"

"Violet" Said Violet "It must be Violet"
"Because it is my name"
"Yellow" said Carmello "Just think good fellow"
"The color of the grain"

"Grey" said May "For I must say"
"The color of the rain"
"Polka dots!" siad mary scots "look cute on tots"
"And in the twister game"

"I'm sorry madam teacher, but I am so confused"
cried little Timmy Tendernooks "How can we from this choose?"

"All the colors have their charms I think
"All colors past the test
"And so I think I could not say
"Which one must be the best

"Teacher teach teacher
"can anybody claim
"that there is a best color
"or are they all the same?"
"Oh my!" Teacher exclaimed
"Little Timmy Tenderhooks - you have won this game!"

Nasty Things

(Inspired by http://scaredmonkeys.com/2010/04/26/are-you-taking-part-in-boobquake-breastquake-today-bare-your-cleavage-to-prove-the-islamic-clerics-wrong/)

Protecting our kids is the proper place to start
So we ban nasty things off the school lunchroom cart
We'll get rid of lipids - we'll ban the food group
And replace it with nourishing vegetable soup

With that taken care of, we deal with those smoker
Carelessly puffing so we all are chokers
We'll ban cigarettes so our children will know
Because of us in a better world they will grow

We've now got the big ones but there are some more
That lead to behavior and crimes we abhor
Social networking leads to bullying you know
So clearly its obvious that that has to go

There are other problems that need to be rendered
Our natural earth must for sure be defended
So we'll ban forest fires in every degree
And then we can say we've defended the trees

We need to do something o'er the dreaded earthquake
Oh the terror and the damage and the lives it can take
To protect the whole world and to make earthquakes stop
We must insure that all women wear a top
How that works? I'm not sure, but can we give it a shot?

But we need to do more: No our work is not done
We need to take steps to outlaw the bright sun
The sun is a menace its wicked and mean
(Unless you are properly protected with ultra sun screen)

The world we inhabit is stuffed to the gills
With bad nasty things that give us the chills
I know you agree that its obviously right
To do all this and more so we sleep we at night

Chores

Life is so unfair
I do not get respect
I work and work and work and work
And nada thanks I get

First thing in the morning
As we get out of bed
It's work work work work
Until the bed is made

Then off into the kitchen
Dishes to put away
And work work work work
Alone I slave away

Next I set up breakfast
When all else has been done
And work work work work
A little help maybe, someone?

With breakfast done it's bath time
I've got to fill the tub
And wash clean wash clean
Detritus I must scrub

Once the bath is over
And water fully baled
Then bleach applied to everything
The fumes that I inhaled

Can you believe that that's not it?
There's more that I must do?
And pain pain pain pain
Oh if only people knew...

Next I sit and try to write
My dorky poetry
And work work work work
T'wards dorky majesty

Yes Caro you're so lucky
to have a man like me
Who works works works works
And does it all for free!

I know you haven't noticed
(Or at least you don't let on)
But everyday more work than play
Ugh... I'm so put upon

What's that you say? You know all this
And you contribute too?
Hauling groceries while your thirsty
Hmm I'll give that one to you.

I never have gone hungry
Because you cook most meals
And fry roast cook toast
Hmm... maybe this isn't such a bad deal

You clean up all the dishes
After meals are eaten
And soap clean dry preen
Yikes! Have I now been beaten?

And in every spare moment
You schedule things for us two
And plan plan plan plan
Oh! The work you do

Hmm...

Perhaps I was mistaken
It's possible I am wrong
I work work work work
But you (double time) work work work work work work work
And so perhaps I need to sing your praises in a song

Ghosties

The home we rent is mighty nice
It's not to big but it does suffice
It's got some bugs but we have no mice
And all at extremely reasonable price

Of course there is a price we pay
Not listed on the home display
Affecting us in every way
We've got ghosts: And the GHOSTS ARE GAY!!!

It's cruel enough to inhabit a haunted domicile
But when the ghosts are flammers at least they've got style
There's abba in the kitchen at the turn of twelve
All the sudden broke back mountain's sitting on our shelf

In blue ray...

The gay ghosts who live with us have become such a strife
That shape crawling into bed with me - it's ghost! Oh, wait no it's my wife!
But we have gotten used to it. It has it's benefits
These are the only ghosts that I could find that for the kids will knit

Their spooky and their scary and haunt the house each night
But once you get to know them, they really are alright
Some people think it must be rough to have to live this way
But we all think if you've got ghosts much better if their gay!

The best toy of them all

Christmas arrived with a hurry
And everyone hoped for the best
At dawn all the kids were a flurry
As they stared into the Christmas gift chest

Jenny picked first and she pulled out a doll
That came with a car and a mansion and all
Jimmy went second and he got a bat
Along with a glove and of course a new hat

Julie went in and came out with a cat
So pretty and perfect, she sat on her lap
Jerry picked out a new video game
That all the reviews had agreed was INSANE!

Finally finished and all that was left
Was Johnny, the meekest, smallest of them all
As he reached in he prayed that he'd love what he'd get
And now in his hand he beheld a big yellow ball

And the others erupted, they cackled with glee
As no one had been as unlucky as he
And they said "it's alright it's okay little Johnny"
Then left him alone with his ball and his misery

But then something happened when everyone left
And left Johnny alone without company
The ball started moving around by itself
And it opened it's mouth and it said "gee whoopee!"

"I am the famous Yellow Ball of Bombay
My legend spreads far from the east to the west
Of all of the toys you could have gotten today
Believe me Johnny you've gotten the best!"

Johnny was standing and holding the ball
Utterly confused about what he'd just heard
He was unaware that a ball could ever talk at all
Great confusion it stirred

But the ball said "just trust me" and that Johnny did
And together they went out to the yard for some play
Upways and slantways all over they skid
Backways and sideways and every which way

And Johnny and his ball were as happy as you care
As they bounced and they bounded as though in thin air
All other children became immediately aware
That Johnny had found something really quite rare

"I want one! I want one!" in unison cried
"It's not fair that Johnny gets such a great toy of which we're fond!"
"But you mocked him and teased him, his friendship denied"
The parents together as one did respond

It was looking like this Christmas would be remembered forever
As the worst most unfair Christmas ever
But Johnny was good and he let others play
And he and the others were merry forever

Brunch!

Breakfast is too early, you cannot even think
Dinner's often heavy, especially if you drink
To oft in my opinion, lunch food fails the test
So yes my dear I think it's clear that brunch food is the best!

Rising late on Sunday, another lazy day
A yawn or two just to renew
Then brunch we're on our way

An omelette plus a coffee - and don't forget the roll!
The eggs are cooked - oh have a look!
Delicious to you and me and all

Short stack with blueberries, or maybe cinnamon
Fluffy and light to our delight
Brunch menu goes on and on

Or if you feel adventurous how bout you try the grits?
It's got the stuff - more than enough
To keep you trim and fit

Brunch is simply wonderful selections are so broad
I dare to say (hope it's okay)
That the man or woman that created brunch - today do we applaud!

(Single time)
Brunch Brunch Brunch Brunch

(Double time)
Brunch Brunch Brunch Brunch Brunch

Love the 3rd

Looking at where today I stand
She has made me a better man
When I think about all that we've been through
I couldn't imagine it with anyone but you

You are the lighthouse of my life
Always steady, always bright
You keep me on the course that's sure
And everyday I love you more

She is the best thing in my life
Cannot wait for you to be my wife
I go to sleep and say a prayer
To thank god that come morning she'll be there

The amazing ways that you love me
Are sensation inspiration daily
I love you more than I could plan
It's such an honor to be your man

When I think about your love at night
I know that all will be alright
When you hold me snug and tight
I know that I can climb the highest heights

Every time I think of her
I reach the sky and touch the earth
There's nothing that compares with you
By dorky poetry I declare it true

Love is the best!

Love is better than a new sweatpants
Ask yourself which one you'd rather roll with in the grass?

Love is better than a piece of pie
'Cause the best kind of love will make you fly

Love is better than an ice cold beer
On a cold cold night better she be near

Love is better than a video game
That light in her eye 's all I got on my brain

Love is better than good luck with dice
Love is life's original spice

Love is better than a bottle of rum
Love keeps going when the bottle is done

Love is better than three course dinner
With the right kind of love you're always the winner

Love is better than cantaloupe
Everyday it brings me hope

Love is better than a super bowl ring
Love's much better than anything!

Love

Love is splendorous, wonderful, great
When you're in love and your heart is awake
But listen up folks 'cause there's more to explain
In actual fact love sets you up for great pain

Day to day twilling and swilling about
So happy to be deep in love you've no doubts
With love in your heart you've no need to be tense
But that's only 'cause you have lost all your sense

The reality is (I am sorry to say)
That love is a headache that won't go away
You have someone special that's terrible grand
But is that all you've got? If so beware where you land

Love is the greatest illusion of all
It's just at heights its a long way to fall
So rather than dreaming and casting long sighs
You're better off looking love straight in the eye

What is it about him that makes him so great?
What is it about her that you would relate
To folks who don't know her or don't understand
What is it that makes him the man of all man?

If love is AMAZING if that's how you feel
Then I need to tell you something to keep you on keel
It's nice that you feel so astoundingly blessed
But to live a good life there's a lot to address

Love is not simply sweetness - its work everyday
A toil and roil with no time to play
Do not fall into love and then be so naive
That the flaws of your partner you never believe

You dream of the two of your floating away
Happy ever after for everyday
You can do it it is possible but better beware
By the end of the month floors are black fridge is bare

The bed sheets will smell like somebody has died
And the towels will remind you of small children who cried
The living room furniture twas once your pride
Is looking so sad, totally cast aside

There's no "happily ever after" I'm sorry to say
Cause even in love you've still got to go day to day
Love can be special an amazing thrill
And you dream it your head that its part of God's will
But when its all over the emotions it will instill
- especially in divorce court when you get the bill
... I'm sorry today that I've been a big buzz kill!

But now that you know of the fate that's in store
Now you're aware that some days you'll abhor
Now you've abandoned the happiness dream
Your love might be better than you've ever dreamed
... Life is a paradox, or so it would seem

Social Media

I know I'm special. I know its true
I've got more Facebook friends than you
I know I'm here and I'm living it up
Cause I'm so awesome at this social media stuff

My friends on twitter are all so cool
They all tweet at me "Girlfriend - you rule!"
My friends on twitter are all so rad
I tweet all day on my new iPad

When I wake up and get out of bed
A message for me on Tumblr said
yO gf whr u b @ 2day?
And I said "rgt hr com ovr n play!"

Then she came over and man it rocked!
Can I tell you OMG be prepared to be shocked
We sat in my room and had a facebook chat
Now tell me really what's more awesome than that??

My life is rockin' on the internet
I'm on it all the time - every chance I get!
I'm so special to my online friends
It sometimes seems that their lives on me depend!

I'm so hooked up and I'm so hooked in
If I'm off for 12 hours people ping me "where you been?:
life online is where its at
peace all! LOL, er, CATS!

Cooking tips

Today's the day (to my dismay)
For me to cook - I'm on the hook
It is my turn (I hope I've learned)
To cook the meat - and not to sweet!

To cook the fish with relish
To cook the ham with lamb
To cook the peas with all of these
The cooking man - that I am

I know I can do it
Great meals I make with ease
No matter what I've chosen to cook
I drench the thing in cheese

The very top-secret secret
I dare say if you please
Is to know whatever you cook
To dowse it all with cheese

Mamma taught me how to saute
And I learned from a monk to puree
On some days I will fricassee
But always always always with cheese

People all over the world
My name in the headlines they've heard
So approach me on bended knees
To ask of my skills with the cheese

I tell them they need to get up
Cooking is sometimes quite rough
Thick skin I believe you will need to get better
But even more important - some cheddar

Make tacos - you surely can't miss
If you cover the suckers with Swiss
If you cover your sturgeon with Gouda
You'll look like a culinary Buddha

If you want to do better than that
May I suggest Monterrey Jack?
A pretzel or some other snack
Delicious! Before the heart attack

Amid all the taunting it can be quite daunting
To be force to cook up a meal
But listen to me and I'm sure you'll agree
That with cheese its just not a big deal

Dawn (NS)

The sun rises in the heavens
How can I begin to say?
Each day a new miracle
Now get back to work

Dancer

I wish I wish
I wish I was a dancer
I could've been I could've been
A fancy footed prancer
No luck indeed no luck indeed
Because I have no answer
Oh I would have loved to've been a whirling twirling dancer

Greyhound Bus

Creation of the world the bible says

Took just a week (that's seven days)

And all and all boy that was great

But then it all got undone by Satan on day eight

You may not know but its a fact

One that for a long time's been hidden from us

That on day 8 Satan came in

And on that day created Greyhound Bus

Between the seat size and the smell

The rather unctuous clientele

I have to say it seems to us

That hell on earth is Greyhound Bus

The fact the ride is such a slog

Ten million stops that you must make

Just getting up to providence

I thought my achy-breaky heart might really break

Speaking of breaking let me just say

Who let that driver drive? No way!

Not only could he not drive the bus

But he had all the personality of a fungus

Brothers and sisters hear me now!

'Cause Satan's knocking at our door

Next time you make a trip

That Greyhound Bus you do abhor

Into his arms do not collapse

Don't fall to temptation yes be strong

Be righteous don't give in

The Greyhound bus do not get on.

Olympics

The Olympics are starting oh what fun it should be
The athletes are ready as ready as can be

But really: What about me?

I may not be strong and I may not be fast
In any event I was in I'd come last
But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't allow
I want to part of the Olympian games somehow

With all of the games and with all of the sport
Surely that could add one for a guy like me: A big dork
Then I could feel pride as I march in the games
Is it so much? Am I wrong to complain?

I am hoping that next time the games get it right
I could be world champion in the pillow fight
I would be good - no actually excellent I think
If one of the sports was in cleaning the sink

A sport that's for me something in which I'm capable
Like taking out the trash, or setting up the dinner table
I would be on camera for the whole world to see
As I am declared the winner - oh how great that would be!

We need a sport (I would have thought) 'cause everybody knows
That to function in your daily life you need an expert in hanging up clothes
And cleaning the windows (well that's not my cup of tea)
But some game in the games that would be great for me
(Maybe they could make a sport out of dorky poetry???)

Every 4 years at approximately this time
We see athletes performing in many ways sublime
I think its fair that for just one year
We could have a sport in which I could appear

Separation

Its cosy inside
I'm toasty and warm
But nearby my loved one
Is out in the storm

Yes she's out in the storm
At peril at sea
And oh how I wish
She was safe here with me

The rain hits my rooftop
The air rattles my door
But outside I worry
For the one I adore

She's gone out without me
She's gone out to sea
As I fervently ask god
To protect her safety

If she makes it back here
Back from the sea
If life will grant me this one wish
I'll be the best me I can be

Oh how I miss her
I miss terribly
Her presence beside me
She's everything to me

Too Thin Tim

With this text we will retell
The story of Thin Tim and what befell

Tim o'Kim was much too thin
The doctors told him so
They wanted him to eat more
So bigger he would grow

A proper doctor named Roger
Had got the perfect cure
We'll put him on some medicine
And that will work for sure

Magical medical marvels were 
Performed on behalf of poor Tim
And after the doctors had finished
You wouldn't recognize him!

His feet had had grown by 4 sizes
He stomach and arms had ballooned
He face was fat and chubby
And everybody swooned

Oh proper doctor Roger
Oh look at him look at him now!
Instead of being super trim
It seems like he ate a whole cow!

Dear doctor don't dither rather gather
Please tell me that this can be fixed
I know you've got pills you've got magical skills
There must surely be a drug you can mix?

Confusted consternated Roger
Looked at Timmy and knew what to do
He took a sharp pin from his bag and he said
"Once I poke him he will go k'blew!"

"No no!" said Tim's mother alarmed
We really want him unharmed
So please please put away your pin
We are not going in that direction

The tiny spiny pin
Was put back in the bag once again
And instead Roger drew out to shiny red pills
"These pills will solve all of your ills"

So Tim took them and what do you know?
Tim actually started to grow
He became twice his size
Oh the look on his grandmother's eyes

Poor Timmy now looked like a whale
His fate was just calamitous!
From the back and the front and the side
He looked like a giant walrus

The doting daring dad
Had had all that he figured he could have
"Put him back! Put him back! I don't mind if he's thin!"
"I just want my too thin Timmy back to me again!"

The doc wheeled out a machine
With a deep green steaming gleam
Timmy went through on one end
And nobody dared to pretend


That when too thin Timmy finally came out
Everyone there gave out a big shout
"You're so thin you're so thin! Oh how happy I'll have been"
To know that I've got back my actual Tim

Friars

A long time ago in the land of the shire

There by the the water, and under the wires

In a bright but quite small little corner in St. Ayers

There was a small house that was shared by 3 friars

Together they lived their fastidious lives

None had possessions and none had a wife

They lived and they prayed and continued to thrive

As they all made quite sure that no warmth was deprived

One day the 3 friars decided to try

To cook their own food and not eat it all dry

The thought of baked bread did give them a sigh

But when push came to shove they decided to fry

So the friars took fry pants up onto the stove

The furrowed and furtive faces they strove

The menu was impeccable - daring and bold

The best food could be imagined by young or by old

The people of Ayers were alight

Because surely the friars when they were finished, they might

Share some of their dishes of delicious delight

And then all would be merry and all would be right

And the people arrived at a quarter past noon

To be first in line so to enter the Friars room

Everyone stood in line with their hand on their spoon

And they waited and waited for what would come soon

Hours they past and the noon turned to night

The air became colder and folks held themselves tight

But the people in line still held hope that they might

Get to take a bite of the friars' delicious delight

And as night turned to dawn with the rise of the sun

The people in line chanced to happen upon

The friars alive in the kitchen in their aprons

And they said to themselves food is surely anon!

And as dawn turned to days and the days into weeks

The people in line - well they'd gotten quite weak

Some of them had even forgotten how to speak

As the weeks turned to months the whole scene had grown bleak

And then suddenly quite loudly the door swung full out

And people in line well they let out a shout

There were sausages with mushrooms and sour kraut

There was immaculately cooked river trout

There on the table a mountain of green sprouts

There was so much food their that folks - they passed out!

Never to recover and never they would

But boy to have seen all that food - it was good!

Now they lie in boxes of brown sandalwood

Buried beneath the ground with their food  

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, it's said
there was a man named Kip
who would spend all day in bed

Nothing was wrong with him. No he wasn't sick
But all day and all night he won't move a tick

What is the matter? Oh what's there to do?
Are you sure that he hasn't acquired the flu?

But Kip stayed in Bed. Little they knew

Kip wasn't sick he was feeling okay
It was just real tiring to go day to day
Without anybody to cuddle at night
All that Kip wanted on earth was a wife
She needn't be pretty she needn't be gum
He just wanted someone who knows she's someone
Somebody special that would draw them near
When he'd call her "darling" she'd call him "dear"


All day and all night he would dream of his one
Dream of them frolicking under the sun
Picnics together in the garden with tea
He'd call her "darling" and there she would be

A love they would have that would last for all time
A subject for poetry - a subject sublime
He'd tickle her belly and she'd rub on his head
He'd call her "darling" wherever they tread

When dreaming about her he'd search for a sign
That merry romancing would come by in time
The stars were all beautify set out in the sky
And he'd say "look darling!" and she'd say "my my!"

Kip lay there each day with a smile on his face
He was doing the right thing he's not a disgrace
For he never doubted that she would appear
And he'd call her "darling" and she'd call him "dear"

Rhymer par excellence!

Billy was a rhymer
and no one could compare
'cause when he started rhyming,
he was the best out there

From east coast to the west coast
and everything between
He was the greatest rhymer
anyone had ever seen

However there's a legend
(I don't know if it's true)
That at the peak of glory
That he was then to lose

The legend speaks of Billy
Basking in his praise
When suddenly out of nowhere
Coming though the haze

There came a slight commotion
A minor peep or two
"Hey Billy!" someone say
"There's a guy here thinks he's better than you!"

And then walked in a person
As misshapen as can be
His toe was at his elbow
And his elbow at his knee

And he spoke to Billy quite loudly
"My name is Bob McGoo
And I've one hundred duckets in my hand
That says I'm better than you"

The crowd could not believe it
And Billy was aghast
"How did you get here stranger,
And who has let you pass?"

"No matter there's no problem
For you can head back to where you've been
For I am Billy the rhymer
And I'm the best that's ever been"

And the man spoke: "Nope. You're not"

A hush dwelled on the crowd
For with the gauntlet thrown
They knew that it would not be long
'till bob was running home

A challenger for Billy?
And a mangled one at that?
It's whimsical to think of
A topic to jest at

"Do you know what you speak of?
Do you know what you do?
I am the best rhymer there is to be found!"
Said Billy to McGoo

After Billy had spoken
McGoo looked quite forlorn
Perhaps he had come all this way
Only to retreat home?

For minute after minute
McGoo denied to speak
But just as people had given up
McGoo let out a peep:

"You're a dumb dumb fool. That's what I think of you"

Now when Billy heard this
His fuse he nearly blew
To hear someone not acknowledge his greatness
That he thinks he's better than you?

So Billy summoned all his skills
And held them in his chest
Then out at once they exploded
With sonic slamdown zest

"In case you haven't heard
In case you do not know
I am Billy T and I'm the greatest at this show

"Oft have I been challenged
By those silly enough to dare
Today you shall try your best
But you know you can't compare"

"Yes I am Billy the rhymer
rhyming is my share
and no one can contest this
there's no one can compare
I'm the greatest rhymer 
To all of you out there
There's one that compares to me
Come at me if you dare"

"Are you though? Sure you're through?" said Mr McGoo. 
As he furrowed up his brow
"You don't really know how to rhyme
I think so let me show you how"


Then McGoo began his rhyme - a legend for all time

My name is Bob McGoo
And I'm hear to tell you
You sound like a fool
And you look like one too

I got got rhymes that really chime
sublime beyond your slime
police use them to fight crime

Line after line the best is mine
You know your way behind
Your grimy slimy rhymy kind
takes up all of my time


My name is Bob McGoo
And I'm here to take your crown
And now you best start running
And please don't wear a frown
For no one likes a whinny brinny loser leaving town.

Knowing he was beaten
Billy could not understand
His world was turning upside down
He had to leave the land

So Billy hit the street and ran
Until his face was blue
And still he ran and ran and ran
From the legend of Bob McGoo

Who's on my team?

Out to the playground we go
A baseball or football to throw
But first things are first won't you bet
You first must make sure the team is all set

Who to pick? Who to pick? Oh my my what to do
Definitely not Julie... but possibly Sue
Who's the best? Who's the best? Who will help me to win
Possibly Teddy, but definitely not Jim

Should I pick a girl or a boy for this game
This question is truly too much for my brain
What if I went and I picked out Mariah
And it didn't work out well I'd be a pariah

Do I pick the best player or pick a good friend?
Is the whole point to win or could there be another end?
Dammit!
I want the best team that there is in the realm
With the best players we'll all overwhelm

And when the day comes that we've vanquished all foes
On that day surely when we come home heroes
On this day in the future everyone will know
That I'm the best team picker there is - told you so!

Admitting Imperfection

Sometimes my poems have better rhymes

But then the theme is not sublime

Sometimes I don't know what to say

But then I say it anyway

Dear reader I beg you do not think

He's such a cad his poems stink

If but for better music and the weather

I know they all could be much better

Of course you'd guess its not so easy

To wax on and on and be so cheesy

To this end I've always strove

Sometimes its good others... less so

I have no doubt that I could be

All that I know you want from me

But guys its just dorky poetry

So for your sake and mine, please let it be.

Hurray for big words!!!

In the business I used to conduct
while building a grand aquaduct
It was a horrible experience, though you never know how far you'll go
'til into the pipe you've been sucked

The other day I saw a troglodite
Who asked "hey man can you buy me a bite?"
I gave him fifty cents - well I meant no offense
As I told him "This should start you off right"

Sometimes I can be pugilistic
And if I flatter myself also Hellenistic
But the more that I think I end up at the brink
Of going whole hog kabalistic

Then the other day I was having some thoughts quite authentic
'cause the coffee I drank's hallucinogenic
I could save all mankind - I was out of my mind!
If only I was more telegenic

Oh and hey I forgot of this incidence
Where I managed to grow by photosynthesis
I was sprouting with green - just like no other dream
I was starting to feel quite indigenous


So I traveled the Heliosphere
...It was awful, no way you should come here
I got caught drinking beer - it ended my career!
while the sun burned off all of my rear

... I've got nothing else to say now you hear?

Drought

The headlines today are sad
they fill your mind with doubt
it's getting really bad
They say there is a drought


But happily I come to tell you have no fear
This will get handled, so you should have doubt
Because we know a savior will appear
Investment bankers know how to figure this out


We have puts we have calls
we have swaps ooh la la
with the bankers besides us
we know we'll go far


They'll figure out the problem don't you fret
Investment banking really is robust
A fair system they'll develop won't you bet?
Where they get more and there is less for us


If you're still worried tell me what's your qualm
The bankers have it figured, to my eye
'Cause in my mind this the the perfect balm
They take your stuff and leave you high and DRY

What's that you say you don't think this is right?
And what about those not in the 1 percent?
You tried camping in the park all night
But in the end police broke up your tents.

The USA is a meritocracy
The bankers will not fail us - No they won't!
And in the end you'll finally come to see
They get paid if it works or if it don't

Twenty Bob

Do your job do your job
I will pay you twenty bob
Could you start early finish late
If you could then that’s just great

On the run on the run
There’s so much that must be done
But once you get it finished
Twenty bob will be your sum

Work real hard work real hard
It’s not easy - nothing is
But once you have it finished
Twenty bob you’ll buy things with

Once it’s done once it’s done
That’s when I will be impressed
And so you know I care about you
Twenty bob for your duress

Busy People

I have a friend that you might know
The kind of guy who never stops
You'll never catch him driving slow
To slow him down you'll need the cops

Hustling and bustling
He moves to and fro
He's a non-stop attraction
He's go go go go!

Left ways and right ways
he's got all the moves
You think one day he'll grow older
But he never improves

He's doing the kitchen
he's replacing the door
You know he's on a mission
Now help seal the floor!

He'll show you his basement
its been quite a task
The wood chunks and the sawdust
require a mask

And coming to the bathroom
a giant hole you see
"I know it looks like nothing
but it will be Jacuzzi!"

No pauses and no downtime
There's lots to still be done!
It's never been so obvious
That life's great when you're on the run

Need AC

In the modern world today
I think its fair to say
That on a hot hot day
You need AC: Its a mainstay

I sit her trying to think
Of a cute rhyme with which to link
But with all this heat I'm on the brink
Can't think can't think I need an ice cold drink

A cooling breeze that it might cast
A lovely treasure but alas
I'd love to feel a cold cool blast
'cause sitting in this heat it bites my, er, bum

The landlord say no its not right
Our downstairs neighbor wants to fight
I wake up on fire every night
No AC, argh its such a blight!

The Bieber Boson

Inspired by: (http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2012/07/04/god-particle-higgs-boson-bieber.cnn?iref=videosearch)

I am Justin Bieber
teen idol - bet you knew?
Yes I'm a teen-age fantasy
I've got a great hair-do!

Yes I am Justin Bieber
the country's favorite son
But I was shocked to learn today
that I'm also a Higgs Boson!

So to all the haters out there
who don't think that I rate
I only want to say to you
you who don't think I am great

Are you a boson - are you?
You aren't har har har!
No matter what you think of me
I'm better than you by far!

So for all of you folks out there
Who think that I'm a 'tard
The truth is I'm a field / particle
That's come directly here from God!

That's right you heard it here first
You better tell your friends
Bieber equals Boson
My greatness never ends!!!!!

Hustle vs Bustle

Hustle hustle hustle
Your goals are close in sight!
Pray avoid the bustle
It never comes out right


It's a hastle just to hustle
And leave bustle in the back
But if you can maintain this
You'll be on the right track


You do not need a castle
This is just a hastle
To hustle for a castle
Is to hastle for a bustle


I think it goes without saying now, but in case it doesn't


Don't wrassle with a tassel, don't tussle with a mussel
Do not confuse a muse, do not peruse your shoes, don't howl at an owl


On the other hand...

If success is your quest
Then stop lying on your chest
Stop pounding on your breast
The rest of us aren't impressed

To impress us with gusto
You've got to have hustle
A little bit of muscle and a whole lot of pustules

Trust every little muscle
except the ones that hustle
a hustling muscling life
will bring you trouble and strife
oh wait now, no that's a wife!

Perhaps I've got it wrong
But I must still go on
It's too late in this song
The curtain's being drawn

... Hail! To the silly splendor, this is a dorky poem!

Remembrance of hair

So I'm starting this blog off today
And I'm really not sure what to say
The first thing that has come to mind
Is thoughts of my hair from years behind

It used to be flowing, it was really great
Personal pride in my hair I would take
But now sadly alas what a shame it is gone
And that is the inspiration for this poem

So now if you please I will lay myself bare
(If you are bald, you will know this, but for you others out there)

When one loses one's hair its a moment in life
To some degree blessing but in most ways a strife
Watching as hairs fall out and never fill back in
You start to dream about hair-dos you'll never have again

On the brighter side though its not as bad as that
A bald man has no need of a comb - just a hat!
The money I save every year on shampoo
Can be spent on wooing the women I woo
(Is that wrong? Is it really so taboo?)

A bald men life is simple it removes all the stress
Of going outside when your hair is a mess
Keep it real short and thin and beware of the sun
though should sun turn to hail with head bare run run run!

Now as a bald man it can rightfully be said
That I am a lucky one as I have a beautiful head!
But if its not working out for you a suggestion if I may?
If its not working out for you - maybe a toupee?

To the summary I go as my inspiration runs out
I've given my sermon and I don't mean to pout
Being bald is a blessing and also a curse
But most of all an inspiration for some dorky poetry discourse