Trees

Guess what it was I saw today?
Said little Mary Anne McCray
I saw a Tree and it was brown
You may have seen them around town

But this was a very special tree
For as I passed it winked at me
And said to me "how is your day?
How are you Mary Anne McCray?"

And I was stunned my legs were weak
'Cause as you know no tree can speak
And I knew for sure that I was crazy
but it spoke again - it was amazing

I'm a tree a tree is me
I try to be the best tree I can be
But look around and I'm sure you'll see
That standing in this park's too much for me

I may look tough but I am old
150 years sitting here, truth be told
And all this sitting has me down
I'd like to see the rest of town

I'm sorry to hear your sad sad tale
Said little Mary with a wail
But I've no idea just what to do
I'm just so much smaller than you

And the tree said

I see your point I'm so forlorn
Perhaps though you could take an acorn
And plant it in the center of town
That way I could pass my legacy down

So Mary did as she was told
In the shadow of a tree that was really old
She took the pod and laid it down
Direct in the middle of the center of town

And as the day wore on and the sun flew by
The tree had had enough and gave a cry
It shriveled up and disappeared
Simultaneously a leaf appeared
Direct int the middle of the center of town
And by now the sun was down
And the leaf said "Thank you Mary I'm now a happy tree
As happy as any tree can be"

And that's the end of this story

Arnold the Aardvark

So gather round children and let me recount
The story of an aardvark who had curiosity in no small amount
His name was Arnold, and legends abound
In fact he's the most famous aardvark around
And this is the story of what he found

Arnold the Aardvark woke up with a start
By a dog who was barking alone in the dark
Unable to sleep he got out of his bed
Put on his shoes, ate a half slice of bread
Went outside to check if the dog had been fed

Davy the dog was in no mood to chat
I am ferocious en garde! Stand back!
I've come here to warn you with a message practical
That I am the fiercest of all fierce animals!

Yikes said Arnold I didn't know that!
So with you around I need not fear that cat
That's lurking behind you planning attack
... He looks like he's after a bit of your flank!

And right at that moment emerged a great cat
Who's name was Kenny (or something like that)
He arched up his back and he showed off his claws
And said "I am the fiercest animal of all!"

"Mercy!" cried Davy who fled down the road
For the cat was a mighty beast to behold
Arnold said "Oh dear cat you're as great as can be"
"I believe you're as fierce as a being could be
With that in mind I'm sure you have no fear of the flea
That's just come to join in our camaraderie"

"A flea A flea oh my god OMG!"
I'm out of here yes its my turn to flee!"
And with that Kenny turned and ran down the street
No longer the fiercest animal to beat

Soon after Arnold ran into a gecko named Carmello
Who strode down the road with a really great bellow
Now where is that cat oh now where can he be?
'Cause I need to find him as well as his flea
Because as you know fleas taste so good to me
And with no other animal now with the crown
Carmello is the fiercest beast in this town!

But just as Carmello was having his licks
In slinked a shiny black mammal - a lynx
"Ah ha I've got you Carmello you fool
For my name is slink and over these parts I rule"

This procession continued throughout the whole night
As animals everywhere gathered to fight
For the title of fierce to be settled once and for all
Around and around in a jumbling thrall

Arnold sat on the ground and he watched it play out
Animals flying inwards and then flying out
And as evening came to a close and the sun crept back up
Well just about every animal had had enough

Cries of "You cheated! You cheated! I should have won!"
"I am the most dreaded of everyone"
"Enough!" Cried back Arnold "this cannot go on"
"We cannot keep fighting like this - guys come on"

Can't we just stop and then call it a draw?
It seems to me you're all the fiercest animal of all
And that way the title of fiercest you can all keep
But as for me... Me I just want to sleep
Good night all, I hope to see you all next week

You so crazy!

Oh my god oh my god what did you just do?
What now made you do that? Is something wrong with you?

Did you did you did you? Just suck an ant up in your nose?
Tell me that I didn't see you drink from the garden hose

I know I can't have seen you take your sister's dolls
Bring them to the backyard n set fire to them all

I'm sure I'm sure you wouldn't do what just now you did
It wasn't you - please say its true - that covered the floor in squid

I know you'd never do this you'd never even think
To take my pet bird - yes I know its absurd - and then throw it down the sink

I know even you - oh please tell me its true
You wouldn't dare do what I saw you just do

Please stop that's enough get a hold of yourself!
You need to come down and get off of that shelf

Please please be behaved, sit up and eat your food
If you do this I promise I'll be in a good mood

Yet despite all the endless efforts I've construed
To get you to behave in the way that you should
In the end I've no choice, yes one must surely conclude
That there's nothing for it; you'll never be subdued

Parents

To all the pesky parents around the world today
I bring to you a message, please hear now what I say

Your pernicious parenting is plainly just pure pain
Please change your ways I beg you before I say again

Overbearing onslaught of juvenile operations
Is festering a fetid feeling of adolescent frustrations

Your eager edgy enthusiasm to see us as elite
Sorry sentimental seniors, stop stop stop stop stop... repeat

I'd rather really be as red in the face as I can be
And not see as you see, but just be free call myself me

Carefully collected are the memories of your calls
To be best boy the best oh boy! The bestest of them all

Looking longingly at my life and riding round the ring
Promise I will make you proud... but first, let me be a kid

The best color is...

Please gather round me children
Your attention's what I need
Because today we will discuss
A topic great indeed

And I need all the input
From your sister and your brother
Because today it is our task
To pick the very best color

"Blue" said Sue "I'm sure it's true"
"The color of the sea"
"Green" said Gene "Here's what I mean"
"The color of the tree"

"Red" said Ted "Is in my head"
"The color of true love"
"White" said Wainright "It must be right"
"The color of the heavens above"

"Black" said Jack "HA HA take that!"
"The color of the night"
"Orange" said Lauren "Though rather boring"
"The color of first day light"

"Violet" Said Violet "It must be Violet"
"Because it is my name"
"Yellow" said Carmello "Just think good fellow"
"The color of the grain"

"Grey" said May "For I must say"
"The color of the rain"
"Polka dots!" siad mary scots "look cute on tots"
"And in the twister game"

"I'm sorry madam teacher, but I am so confused"
cried little Timmy Tendernooks "How can we from this choose?"

"All the colors have their charms I think
"All colors past the test
"And so I think I could not say
"Which one must be the best

"Teacher teach teacher
"can anybody claim
"that there is a best color
"or are they all the same?"
"Oh my!" Teacher exclaimed
"Little Timmy Tenderhooks - you have won this game!"

Nasty Things

(Inspired by http://scaredmonkeys.com/2010/04/26/are-you-taking-part-in-boobquake-breastquake-today-bare-your-cleavage-to-prove-the-islamic-clerics-wrong/)

Protecting our kids is the proper place to start
So we ban nasty things off the school lunchroom cart
We'll get rid of lipids - we'll ban the food group
And replace it with nourishing vegetable soup

With that taken care of, we deal with those smoker
Carelessly puffing so we all are chokers
We'll ban cigarettes so our children will know
Because of us in a better world they will grow

We've now got the big ones but there are some more
That lead to behavior and crimes we abhor
Social networking leads to bullying you know
So clearly its obvious that that has to go

There are other problems that need to be rendered
Our natural earth must for sure be defended
So we'll ban forest fires in every degree
And then we can say we've defended the trees

We need to do something o'er the dreaded earthquake
Oh the terror and the damage and the lives it can take
To protect the whole world and to make earthquakes stop
We must insure that all women wear a top
How that works? I'm not sure, but can we give it a shot?

But we need to do more: No our work is not done
We need to take steps to outlaw the bright sun
The sun is a menace its wicked and mean
(Unless you are properly protected with ultra sun screen)

The world we inhabit is stuffed to the gills
With bad nasty things that give us the chills
I know you agree that its obviously right
To do all this and more so we sleep we at night

Chores

Life is so unfair
I do not get respect
I work and work and work and work
And nada thanks I get

First thing in the morning
As we get out of bed
It's work work work work
Until the bed is made

Then off into the kitchen
Dishes to put away
And work work work work
Alone I slave away

Next I set up breakfast
When all else has been done
And work work work work
A little help maybe, someone?

With breakfast done it's bath time
I've got to fill the tub
And wash clean wash clean
Detritus I must scrub

Once the bath is over
And water fully baled
Then bleach applied to everything
The fumes that I inhaled

Can you believe that that's not it?
There's more that I must do?
And pain pain pain pain
Oh if only people knew...

Next I sit and try to write
My dorky poetry
And work work work work
T'wards dorky majesty

Yes Caro you're so lucky
to have a man like me
Who works works works works
And does it all for free!

I know you haven't noticed
(Or at least you don't let on)
But everyday more work than play
Ugh... I'm so put upon

What's that you say? You know all this
And you contribute too?
Hauling groceries while your thirsty
Hmm I'll give that one to you.

I never have gone hungry
Because you cook most meals
And fry roast cook toast
Hmm... maybe this isn't such a bad deal

You clean up all the dishes
After meals are eaten
And soap clean dry preen
Yikes! Have I now been beaten?

And in every spare moment
You schedule things for us two
And plan plan plan plan
Oh! The work you do

Hmm...

Perhaps I was mistaken
It's possible I am wrong
I work work work work
But you (double time) work work work work work work work
And so perhaps I need to sing your praises in a song

Ghosties

The home we rent is mighty nice
It's not to big but it does suffice
It's got some bugs but we have no mice
And all at extremely reasonable price

Of course there is a price we pay
Not listed on the home display
Affecting us in every way
We've got ghosts: And the GHOSTS ARE GAY!!!

It's cruel enough to inhabit a haunted domicile
But when the ghosts are flammers at least they've got style
There's abba in the kitchen at the turn of twelve
All the sudden broke back mountain's sitting on our shelf

In blue ray...

The gay ghosts who live with us have become such a strife
That shape crawling into bed with me - it's ghost! Oh, wait no it's my wife!
But we have gotten used to it. It has it's benefits
These are the only ghosts that I could find that for the kids will knit

Their spooky and their scary and haunt the house each night
But once you get to know them, they really are alright
Some people think it must be rough to have to live this way
But we all think if you've got ghosts much better if their gay!

The best toy of them all

Christmas arrived with a hurry
And everyone hoped for the best
At dawn all the kids were a flurry
As they stared into the Christmas gift chest

Jenny picked first and she pulled out a doll
That came with a car and a mansion and all
Jimmy went second and he got a bat
Along with a glove and of course a new hat

Julie went in and came out with a cat
So pretty and perfect, she sat on her lap
Jerry picked out a new video game
That all the reviews had agreed was INSANE!

Finally finished and all that was left
Was Johnny, the meekest, smallest of them all
As he reached in he prayed that he'd love what he'd get
And now in his hand he beheld a big yellow ball

And the others erupted, they cackled with glee
As no one had been as unlucky as he
And they said "it's alright it's okay little Johnny"
Then left him alone with his ball and his misery

But then something happened when everyone left
And left Johnny alone without company
The ball started moving around by itself
And it opened it's mouth and it said "gee whoopee!"

"I am the famous Yellow Ball of Bombay
My legend spreads far from the east to the west
Of all of the toys you could have gotten today
Believe me Johnny you've gotten the best!"

Johnny was standing and holding the ball
Utterly confused about what he'd just heard
He was unaware that a ball could ever talk at all
Great confusion it stirred

But the ball said "just trust me" and that Johnny did
And together they went out to the yard for some play
Upways and slantways all over they skid
Backways and sideways and every which way

And Johnny and his ball were as happy as you care
As they bounced and they bounded as though in thin air
All other children became immediately aware
That Johnny had found something really quite rare

"I want one! I want one!" in unison cried
"It's not fair that Johnny gets such a great toy of which we're fond!"
"But you mocked him and teased him, his friendship denied"
The parents together as one did respond

It was looking like this Christmas would be remembered forever
As the worst most unfair Christmas ever
But Johnny was good and he let others play
And he and the others were merry forever

Brunch!

Breakfast is too early, you cannot even think
Dinner's often heavy, especially if you drink
To oft in my opinion, lunch food fails the test
So yes my dear I think it's clear that brunch food is the best!

Rising late on Sunday, another lazy day
A yawn or two just to renew
Then brunch we're on our way

An omelette plus a coffee - and don't forget the roll!
The eggs are cooked - oh have a look!
Delicious to you and me and all

Short stack with blueberries, or maybe cinnamon
Fluffy and light to our delight
Brunch menu goes on and on

Or if you feel adventurous how bout you try the grits?
It's got the stuff - more than enough
To keep you trim and fit

Brunch is simply wonderful selections are so broad
I dare to say (hope it's okay)
That the man or woman that created brunch - today do we applaud!

(Single time)
Brunch Brunch Brunch Brunch

(Double time)
Brunch Brunch Brunch Brunch Brunch

Love the 3rd

Looking at where today I stand
She has made me a better man
When I think about all that we've been through
I couldn't imagine it with anyone but you

You are the lighthouse of my life
Always steady, always bright
You keep me on the course that's sure
And everyday I love you more

She is the best thing in my life
Cannot wait for you to be my wife
I go to sleep and say a prayer
To thank god that come morning she'll be there

The amazing ways that you love me
Are sensation inspiration daily
I love you more than I could plan
It's such an honor to be your man

When I think about your love at night
I know that all will be alright
When you hold me snug and tight
I know that I can climb the highest heights

Every time I think of her
I reach the sky and touch the earth
There's nothing that compares with you
By dorky poetry I declare it true

Love is the best!

Love is better than a new sweatpants
Ask yourself which one you'd rather roll with in the grass?

Love is better than a piece of pie
'Cause the best kind of love will make you fly

Love is better than an ice cold beer
On a cold cold night better she be near

Love is better than a video game
That light in her eye 's all I got on my brain

Love is better than good luck with dice
Love is life's original spice

Love is better than a bottle of rum
Love keeps going when the bottle is done

Love is better than three course dinner
With the right kind of love you're always the winner

Love is better than cantaloupe
Everyday it brings me hope

Love is better than a super bowl ring
Love's much better than anything!

Love

Love is splendorous, wonderful, great
When you're in love and your heart is awake
But listen up folks 'cause there's more to explain
In actual fact love sets you up for great pain

Day to day twilling and swilling about
So happy to be deep in love you've no doubts
With love in your heart you've no need to be tense
But that's only 'cause you have lost all your sense

The reality is (I am sorry to say)
That love is a headache that won't go away
You have someone special that's terrible grand
But is that all you've got? If so beware where you land

Love is the greatest illusion of all
It's just at heights its a long way to fall
So rather than dreaming and casting long sighs
You're better off looking love straight in the eye

What is it about him that makes him so great?
What is it about her that you would relate
To folks who don't know her or don't understand
What is it that makes him the man of all man?

If love is AMAZING if that's how you feel
Then I need to tell you something to keep you on keel
It's nice that you feel so astoundingly blessed
But to live a good life there's a lot to address

Love is not simply sweetness - its work everyday
A toil and roil with no time to play
Do not fall into love and then be so naive
That the flaws of your partner you never believe

You dream of the two of your floating away
Happy ever after for everyday
You can do it it is possible but better beware
By the end of the month floors are black fridge is bare

The bed sheets will smell like somebody has died
And the towels will remind you of small children who cried
The living room furniture twas once your pride
Is looking so sad, totally cast aside

There's no "happily ever after" I'm sorry to say
Cause even in love you've still got to go day to day
Love can be special an amazing thrill
And you dream it your head that its part of God's will
But when its all over the emotions it will instill
- especially in divorce court when you get the bill
... I'm sorry today that I've been a big buzz kill!

But now that you know of the fate that's in store
Now you're aware that some days you'll abhor
Now you've abandoned the happiness dream
Your love might be better than you've ever dreamed
... Life is a paradox, or so it would seem

Social Media

I know I'm special. I know its true
I've got more Facebook friends than you
I know I'm here and I'm living it up
Cause I'm so awesome at this social media stuff

My friends on twitter are all so cool
They all tweet at me "Girlfriend - you rule!"
My friends on twitter are all so rad
I tweet all day on my new iPad

When I wake up and get out of bed
A message for me on Tumblr said
yO gf whr u b @ 2day?
And I said "rgt hr com ovr n play!"

Then she came over and man it rocked!
Can I tell you OMG be prepared to be shocked
We sat in my room and had a facebook chat
Now tell me really what's more awesome than that??

My life is rockin' on the internet
I'm on it all the time - every chance I get!
I'm so special to my online friends
It sometimes seems that their lives on me depend!

I'm so hooked up and I'm so hooked in
If I'm off for 12 hours people ping me "where you been?:
life online is where its at
peace all! LOL, er, CATS!

Cooking tips

Today's the day (to my dismay)
For me to cook - I'm on the hook
It is my turn (I hope I've learned)
To cook the meat - and not to sweet!

To cook the fish with relish
To cook the ham with lamb
To cook the peas with all of these
The cooking man - that I am

I know I can do it
Great meals I make with ease
No matter what I've chosen to cook
I drench the thing in cheese

The very top-secret secret
I dare say if you please
Is to know whatever you cook
To dowse it all with cheese

Mamma taught me how to saute
And I learned from a monk to puree
On some days I will fricassee
But always always always with cheese

People all over the world
My name in the headlines they've heard
So approach me on bended knees
To ask of my skills with the cheese

I tell them they need to get up
Cooking is sometimes quite rough
Thick skin I believe you will need to get better
But even more important - some cheddar

Make tacos - you surely can't miss
If you cover the suckers with Swiss
If you cover your sturgeon with Gouda
You'll look like a culinary Buddha

If you want to do better than that
May I suggest Monterrey Jack?
A pretzel or some other snack
Delicious! Before the heart attack

Amid all the taunting it can be quite daunting
To be force to cook up a meal
But listen to me and I'm sure you'll agree
That with cheese its just not a big deal

Dawn (NS)

The sun rises in the heavens
How can I begin to say?
Each day a new miracle
Now get back to work