Dancer

I wish I wish
I wish I was a dancer
I could've been I could've been
A fancy footed prancer
No luck indeed no luck indeed
Because I have no answer
Oh I would have loved to've been a whirling twirling dancer

Greyhound Bus

Creation of the world the bible says

Took just a week (that's seven days)

And all and all boy that was great

But then it all got undone by Satan on day eight

You may not know but its a fact

One that for a long time's been hidden from us

That on day 8 Satan came in

And on that day created Greyhound Bus

Between the seat size and the smell

The rather unctuous clientele

I have to say it seems to us

That hell on earth is Greyhound Bus

The fact the ride is such a slog

Ten million stops that you must make

Just getting up to providence

I thought my achy-breaky heart might really break

Speaking of breaking let me just say

Who let that driver drive? No way!

Not only could he not drive the bus

But he had all the personality of a fungus

Brothers and sisters hear me now!

'Cause Satan's knocking at our door

Next time you make a trip

That Greyhound Bus you do abhor

Into his arms do not collapse

Don't fall to temptation yes be strong

Be righteous don't give in

The Greyhound bus do not get on.

Olympics

The Olympics are starting oh what fun it should be
The athletes are ready as ready as can be

But really: What about me?

I may not be strong and I may not be fast
In any event I was in I'd come last
But that doesn't mean that they shouldn't allow
I want to part of the Olympian games somehow

With all of the games and with all of the sport
Surely that could add one for a guy like me: A big dork
Then I could feel pride as I march in the games
Is it so much? Am I wrong to complain?

I am hoping that next time the games get it right
I could be world champion in the pillow fight
I would be good - no actually excellent I think
If one of the sports was in cleaning the sink

A sport that's for me something in which I'm capable
Like taking out the trash, or setting up the dinner table
I would be on camera for the whole world to see
As I am declared the winner - oh how great that would be!

We need a sport (I would have thought) 'cause everybody knows
That to function in your daily life you need an expert in hanging up clothes
And cleaning the windows (well that's not my cup of tea)
But some game in the games that would be great for me
(Maybe they could make a sport out of dorky poetry???)

Every 4 years at approximately this time
We see athletes performing in many ways sublime
I think its fair that for just one year
We could have a sport in which I could appear

Separation

Its cosy inside
I'm toasty and warm
But nearby my loved one
Is out in the storm

Yes she's out in the storm
At peril at sea
And oh how I wish
She was safe here with me

The rain hits my rooftop
The air rattles my door
But outside I worry
For the one I adore

She's gone out without me
She's gone out to sea
As I fervently ask god
To protect her safety

If she makes it back here
Back from the sea
If life will grant me this one wish
I'll be the best me I can be

Oh how I miss her
I miss terribly
Her presence beside me
She's everything to me

Too Thin Tim

With this text we will retell
The story of Thin Tim and what befell

Tim o'Kim was much too thin
The doctors told him so
They wanted him to eat more
So bigger he would grow

A proper doctor named Roger
Had got the perfect cure
We'll put him on some medicine
And that will work for sure

Magical medical marvels were 
Performed on behalf of poor Tim
And after the doctors had finished
You wouldn't recognize him!

His feet had had grown by 4 sizes
He stomach and arms had ballooned
He face was fat and chubby
And everybody swooned

Oh proper doctor Roger
Oh look at him look at him now!
Instead of being super trim
It seems like he ate a whole cow!

Dear doctor don't dither rather gather
Please tell me that this can be fixed
I know you've got pills you've got magical skills
There must surely be a drug you can mix?

Confusted consternated Roger
Looked at Timmy and knew what to do
He took a sharp pin from his bag and he said
"Once I poke him he will go k'blew!"

"No no!" said Tim's mother alarmed
We really want him unharmed
So please please put away your pin
We are not going in that direction

The tiny spiny pin
Was put back in the bag once again
And instead Roger drew out to shiny red pills
"These pills will solve all of your ills"

So Tim took them and what do you know?
Tim actually started to grow
He became twice his size
Oh the look on his grandmother's eyes

Poor Timmy now looked like a whale
His fate was just calamitous!
From the back and the front and the side
He looked like a giant walrus

The doting daring dad
Had had all that he figured he could have
"Put him back! Put him back! I don't mind if he's thin!"
"I just want my too thin Timmy back to me again!"

The doc wheeled out a machine
With a deep green steaming gleam
Timmy went through on one end
And nobody dared to pretend


That when too thin Timmy finally came out
Everyone there gave out a big shout
"You're so thin you're so thin! Oh how happy I'll have been"
To know that I've got back my actual Tim

Friars

A long time ago in the land of the shire

There by the the water, and under the wires

In a bright but quite small little corner in St. Ayers

There was a small house that was shared by 3 friars

Together they lived their fastidious lives

None had possessions and none had a wife

They lived and they prayed and continued to thrive

As they all made quite sure that no warmth was deprived

One day the 3 friars decided to try

To cook their own food and not eat it all dry

The thought of baked bread did give them a sigh

But when push came to shove they decided to fry

So the friars took fry pants up onto the stove

The furrowed and furtive faces they strove

The menu was impeccable - daring and bold

The best food could be imagined by young or by old

The people of Ayers were alight

Because surely the friars when they were finished, they might

Share some of their dishes of delicious delight

And then all would be merry and all would be right

And the people arrived at a quarter past noon

To be first in line so to enter the Friars room

Everyone stood in line with their hand on their spoon

And they waited and waited for what would come soon

Hours they past and the noon turned to night

The air became colder and folks held themselves tight

But the people in line still held hope that they might

Get to take a bite of the friars' delicious delight

And as night turned to dawn with the rise of the sun

The people in line chanced to happen upon

The friars alive in the kitchen in their aprons

And they said to themselves food is surely anon!

And as dawn turned to days and the days into weeks

The people in line - well they'd gotten quite weak

Some of them had even forgotten how to speak

As the weeks turned to months the whole scene had grown bleak

And then suddenly quite loudly the door swung full out

And people in line well they let out a shout

There were sausages with mushrooms and sour kraut

There was immaculately cooked river trout

There on the table a mountain of green sprouts

There was so much food their that folks - they passed out!

Never to recover and never they would

But boy to have seen all that food - it was good!

Now they lie in boxes of brown sandalwood

Buried beneath the ground with their food  

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, it's said
there was a man named Kip
who would spend all day in bed

Nothing was wrong with him. No he wasn't sick
But all day and all night he won't move a tick

What is the matter? Oh what's there to do?
Are you sure that he hasn't acquired the flu?

But Kip stayed in Bed. Little they knew

Kip wasn't sick he was feeling okay
It was just real tiring to go day to day
Without anybody to cuddle at night
All that Kip wanted on earth was a wife
She needn't be pretty she needn't be gum
He just wanted someone who knows she's someone
Somebody special that would draw them near
When he'd call her "darling" she'd call him "dear"


All day and all night he would dream of his one
Dream of them frolicking under the sun
Picnics together in the garden with tea
He'd call her "darling" and there she would be

A love they would have that would last for all time
A subject for poetry - a subject sublime
He'd tickle her belly and she'd rub on his head
He'd call her "darling" wherever they tread

When dreaming about her he'd search for a sign
That merry romancing would come by in time
The stars were all beautify set out in the sky
And he'd say "look darling!" and she'd say "my my!"

Kip lay there each day with a smile on his face
He was doing the right thing he's not a disgrace
For he never doubted that she would appear
And he'd call her "darling" and she'd call him "dear"

Rhymer par excellence!

Billy was a rhymer
and no one could compare
'cause when he started rhyming,
he was the best out there

From east coast to the west coast
and everything between
He was the greatest rhymer
anyone had ever seen

However there's a legend
(I don't know if it's true)
That at the peak of glory
That he was then to lose

The legend speaks of Billy
Basking in his praise
When suddenly out of nowhere
Coming though the haze

There came a slight commotion
A minor peep or two
"Hey Billy!" someone say
"There's a guy here thinks he's better than you!"

And then walked in a person
As misshapen as can be
His toe was at his elbow
And his elbow at his knee

And he spoke to Billy quite loudly
"My name is Bob McGoo
And I've one hundred duckets in my hand
That says I'm better than you"

The crowd could not believe it
And Billy was aghast
"How did you get here stranger,
And who has let you pass?"

"No matter there's no problem
For you can head back to where you've been
For I am Billy the rhymer
And I'm the best that's ever been"

And the man spoke: "Nope. You're not"

A hush dwelled on the crowd
For with the gauntlet thrown
They knew that it would not be long
'till bob was running home

A challenger for Billy?
And a mangled one at that?
It's whimsical to think of
A topic to jest at

"Do you know what you speak of?
Do you know what you do?
I am the best rhymer there is to be found!"
Said Billy to McGoo

After Billy had spoken
McGoo looked quite forlorn
Perhaps he had come all this way
Only to retreat home?

For minute after minute
McGoo denied to speak
But just as people had given up
McGoo let out a peep:

"You're a dumb dumb fool. That's what I think of you"

Now when Billy heard this
His fuse he nearly blew
To hear someone not acknowledge his greatness
That he thinks he's better than you?

So Billy summoned all his skills
And held them in his chest
Then out at once they exploded
With sonic slamdown zest

"In case you haven't heard
In case you do not know
I am Billy T and I'm the greatest at this show

"Oft have I been challenged
By those silly enough to dare
Today you shall try your best
But you know you can't compare"

"Yes I am Billy the rhymer
rhyming is my share
and no one can contest this
there's no one can compare
I'm the greatest rhymer 
To all of you out there
There's one that compares to me
Come at me if you dare"

"Are you though? Sure you're through?" said Mr McGoo. 
As he furrowed up his brow
"You don't really know how to rhyme
I think so let me show you how"


Then McGoo began his rhyme - a legend for all time

My name is Bob McGoo
And I'm hear to tell you
You sound like a fool
And you look like one too

I got got rhymes that really chime
sublime beyond your slime
police use them to fight crime

Line after line the best is mine
You know your way behind
Your grimy slimy rhymy kind
takes up all of my time


My name is Bob McGoo
And I'm here to take your crown
And now you best start running
And please don't wear a frown
For no one likes a whinny brinny loser leaving town.

Knowing he was beaten
Billy could not understand
His world was turning upside down
He had to leave the land

So Billy hit the street and ran
Until his face was blue
And still he ran and ran and ran
From the legend of Bob McGoo

Who's on my team?

Out to the playground we go
A baseball or football to throw
But first things are first won't you bet
You first must make sure the team is all set

Who to pick? Who to pick? Oh my my what to do
Definitely not Julie... but possibly Sue
Who's the best? Who's the best? Who will help me to win
Possibly Teddy, but definitely not Jim

Should I pick a girl or a boy for this game
This question is truly too much for my brain
What if I went and I picked out Mariah
And it didn't work out well I'd be a pariah

Do I pick the best player or pick a good friend?
Is the whole point to win or could there be another end?
Dammit!
I want the best team that there is in the realm
With the best players we'll all overwhelm

And when the day comes that we've vanquished all foes
On that day surely when we come home heroes
On this day in the future everyone will know
That I'm the best team picker there is - told you so!

Admitting Imperfection

Sometimes my poems have better rhymes

But then the theme is not sublime

Sometimes I don't know what to say

But then I say it anyway

Dear reader I beg you do not think

He's such a cad his poems stink

If but for better music and the weather

I know they all could be much better

Of course you'd guess its not so easy

To wax on and on and be so cheesy

To this end I've always strove

Sometimes its good others... less so

I have no doubt that I could be

All that I know you want from me

But guys its just dorky poetry

So for your sake and mine, please let it be.

Hurray for big words!!!

In the business I used to conduct
while building a grand aquaduct
It was a horrible experience, though you never know how far you'll go
'til into the pipe you've been sucked

The other day I saw a troglodite
Who asked "hey man can you buy me a bite?"
I gave him fifty cents - well I meant no offense
As I told him "This should start you off right"

Sometimes I can be pugilistic
And if I flatter myself also Hellenistic
But the more that I think I end up at the brink
Of going whole hog kabalistic

Then the other day I was having some thoughts quite authentic
'cause the coffee I drank's hallucinogenic
I could save all mankind - I was out of my mind!
If only I was more telegenic

Oh and hey I forgot of this incidence
Where I managed to grow by photosynthesis
I was sprouting with green - just like no other dream
I was starting to feel quite indigenous


So I traveled the Heliosphere
...It was awful, no way you should come here
I got caught drinking beer - it ended my career!
while the sun burned off all of my rear

... I've got nothing else to say now you hear?

Drought

The headlines today are sad
they fill your mind with doubt
it's getting really bad
They say there is a drought


But happily I come to tell you have no fear
This will get handled, so you should have doubt
Because we know a savior will appear
Investment bankers know how to figure this out


We have puts we have calls
we have swaps ooh la la
with the bankers besides us
we know we'll go far


They'll figure out the problem don't you fret
Investment banking really is robust
A fair system they'll develop won't you bet?
Where they get more and there is less for us


If you're still worried tell me what's your qualm
The bankers have it figured, to my eye
'Cause in my mind this the the perfect balm
They take your stuff and leave you high and DRY

What's that you say you don't think this is right?
And what about those not in the 1 percent?
You tried camping in the park all night
But in the end police broke up your tents.

The USA is a meritocracy
The bankers will not fail us - No they won't!
And in the end you'll finally come to see
They get paid if it works or if it don't

Twenty Bob

Do your job do your job
I will pay you twenty bob
Could you start early finish late
If you could then that’s just great

On the run on the run
There’s so much that must be done
But once you get it finished
Twenty bob will be your sum

Work real hard work real hard
It’s not easy - nothing is
But once you have it finished
Twenty bob you’ll buy things with

Once it’s done once it’s done
That’s when I will be impressed
And so you know I care about you
Twenty bob for your duress

Busy People

I have a friend that you might know
The kind of guy who never stops
You'll never catch him driving slow
To slow him down you'll need the cops

Hustling and bustling
He moves to and fro
He's a non-stop attraction
He's go go go go!

Left ways and right ways
he's got all the moves
You think one day he'll grow older
But he never improves

He's doing the kitchen
he's replacing the door
You know he's on a mission
Now help seal the floor!

He'll show you his basement
its been quite a task
The wood chunks and the sawdust
require a mask

And coming to the bathroom
a giant hole you see
"I know it looks like nothing
but it will be Jacuzzi!"

No pauses and no downtime
There's lots to still be done!
It's never been so obvious
That life's great when you're on the run

Need AC

In the modern world today
I think its fair to say
That on a hot hot day
You need AC: Its a mainstay

I sit her trying to think
Of a cute rhyme with which to link
But with all this heat I'm on the brink
Can't think can't think I need an ice cold drink

A cooling breeze that it might cast
A lovely treasure but alas
I'd love to feel a cold cool blast
'cause sitting in this heat it bites my, er, bum

The landlord say no its not right
Our downstairs neighbor wants to fight
I wake up on fire every night
No AC, argh its such a blight!

The Bieber Boson

Inspired by: (http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2012/07/04/god-particle-higgs-boson-bieber.cnn?iref=videosearch)

I am Justin Bieber
teen idol - bet you knew?
Yes I'm a teen-age fantasy
I've got a great hair-do!

Yes I am Justin Bieber
the country's favorite son
But I was shocked to learn today
that I'm also a Higgs Boson!

So to all the haters out there
who don't think that I rate
I only want to say to you
you who don't think I am great

Are you a boson - are you?
You aren't har har har!
No matter what you think of me
I'm better than you by far!

So for all of you folks out there
Who think that I'm a 'tard
The truth is I'm a field / particle
That's come directly here from God!

That's right you heard it here first
You better tell your friends
Bieber equals Boson
My greatness never ends!!!!!

Hustle vs Bustle

Hustle hustle hustle
Your goals are close in sight!
Pray avoid the bustle
It never comes out right


It's a hastle just to hustle
And leave bustle in the back
But if you can maintain this
You'll be on the right track


You do not need a castle
This is just a hastle
To hustle for a castle
Is to hastle for a bustle


I think it goes without saying now, but in case it doesn't


Don't wrassle with a tassel, don't tussle with a mussel
Do not confuse a muse, do not peruse your shoes, don't howl at an owl


On the other hand...

If success is your quest
Then stop lying on your chest
Stop pounding on your breast
The rest of us aren't impressed

To impress us with gusto
You've got to have hustle
A little bit of muscle and a whole lot of pustules

Trust every little muscle
except the ones that hustle
a hustling muscling life
will bring you trouble and strife
oh wait now, no that's a wife!

Perhaps I've got it wrong
But I must still go on
It's too late in this song
The curtain's being drawn

... Hail! To the silly splendor, this is a dorky poem!

Remembrance of hair

So I'm starting this blog off today
And I'm really not sure what to say
The first thing that has come to mind
Is thoughts of my hair from years behind

It used to be flowing, it was really great
Personal pride in my hair I would take
But now sadly alas what a shame it is gone
And that is the inspiration for this poem

So now if you please I will lay myself bare
(If you are bald, you will know this, but for you others out there)

When one loses one's hair its a moment in life
To some degree blessing but in most ways a strife
Watching as hairs fall out and never fill back in
You start to dream about hair-dos you'll never have again

On the brighter side though its not as bad as that
A bald man has no need of a comb - just a hat!
The money I save every year on shampoo
Can be spent on wooing the women I woo
(Is that wrong? Is it really so taboo?)

A bald men life is simple it removes all the stress
Of going outside when your hair is a mess
Keep it real short and thin and beware of the sun
though should sun turn to hail with head bare run run run!

Now as a bald man it can rightfully be said
That I am a lucky one as I have a beautiful head!
But if its not working out for you a suggestion if I may?
If its not working out for you - maybe a toupee?

To the summary I go as my inspiration runs out
I've given my sermon and I don't mean to pout
Being bald is a blessing and also a curse
But most of all an inspiration for some dorky poetry discourse