If I was an Iguana

If I was an Iguana
I think I'd live in a sauna
I'd heat up my bones and I'd put down my phones
And I go out and vote for Obama

If I was an opossum,
I really think I'd be awesome
I would play with a stick and I'd do a great trick
And I'd show everyone how I toss'em

If I was a sly mearcat,
I'd earn my way as an acrobat
I'd star in the show and then back home I'd go
To the space that I currently live at

If I was a cold ice cube
I'd pretend that I was a cool dude
I'd stay out of the sun and when work is all done
I'd go and watch me on YouTube

The world is suddenly small

The world is suddenly small

I think there is zoom and that's all

There's no where to go and there's nothing to see and there's nobody out there to call

The world is suddenly hush

And nobody's in a rush

Just want to play in the thrush

The world is suddenly wild

No longer subdued and quite mild

No longer the world where folks smiled

The world today is afraid

When yesterday we were brave

I need someone who can lead us, someone who will all us save

The world today is all gray

My father was here yesterday

Now he is gone and still life moves along and there's nothing to do now but pray

Zoomed out - Corona

I've decided from today I won't go zoom zoom zoom
I don't care yes I don't care if I can't touch the moon
Don't want to be there soon

Don't want to hear the little bees buzzing zoom zoom zoom
It makes me think how life has changed into a great big gloom
I can't go to the playground I must stay here in my room

Before corona virus in an ordinary Spring
We'd all be in the playground and be making so much din
The memory makes me grin

And I've got so much time (that's great!) I don't go to my school
I now have so much freedom to not obey the rules
This is what I had dreamed of... but somehow, it's not that cool

So this year its unfortunate that Corona's all about
It just not fair I want to swear I really want to shout
Rather than zoomed in to life right now I'm totally zoomed out

Underneath a mountain of kids

Well I was once a wrestler I bet you never knew

Now I have two daughters one is five and one is two

And I'd have never guessed it no I wouldn't ever have guessed

That when my kids are climbing me that when I am most blessed

With all the money in the world I don't know what I'd do

If I never got to see my darling daughters two

I know this time is fleeting. I know it will be brief

A few short years and they'll be telling me "Oh daddy oh good grief!"

Now there's no need to ruminate on how short life can be

Corona virus everywhere from sea to shining sea

But I'm about as happy -yes- as any man can be

When I'm buried underneath the stack of my sweet progeny 

Brocolli

Broccoli is eew
It's smelly like a loo
It's pungent like aunt lou
It tastes just like a shoe

Broccoli is ick
It makes me really sick
It's terrible to lick
It's given me a crick

Brocolli is foul
It makes me what to howl
I'd rather eat an owl
and have that in my bowel

But actually...

Broccoli tastes great
Though kids sometimes don't rate
I must to you relate
I'd like it on my plate

What if myths were true?

I've got a friend named Santa. A very jolly guy
He crashed into a drone (oh no!) while he was in the sky
So if you see no presents, I have to tell you folks
Well Santa's in the hospital 'cause both his legs are broke

The Easter bunny's jolly. "Yoo hoo!" Says baby bunting
But he was shot the other day by hunters out for hunting
So now he's in the hospital next to Santa looking grim
So if there is no candy well then you should visit him

The Tooth Fairy is so precious, and what could be more pure?
But check her out on YouTube OH MY GOD she used a racial slur?
But that was back in fairy college and so very long ago
Does she deserve the punishment of such viral vitriol?

The moral of the story folks is very very clear
When talking to your kids make sure you keep it really real

What it means to be a husband

Exhausted, head as heavy a 50 lb dumbbell. Back and shoulders aching, tied up like a pretzel. You hit the mattress.

From down the hall, a noise: "Someone needs to take the recycling down!" "Well, Mr. Back-tied-up-like a pretzel, I know, I know. But you can't say that pretzelie-poo. You see, I/we/you... we got married, and if you reference page 738, you'll see that this is what it means to be a husband.

So up you get... nothing could look more piteous than you do right now. You look one more time pleadingly - to see that the woman of your life is having none of it. "Here: Take this. And this. And this... Oh! And this and this and this". Pretty soon you are carrying more than an human being has the capacity to carry. Cans and empty containers that have fallen out of the over-stuffed bags, litter the way behind you, like a slug leaving its trail of mucus. This is what it means to be a husband.

So off you go, you and your detritus are one. Nothing to do but get it done now, and that's what you do. Almost back home now, almost through the door, almost back on the mattress, the sweet allure of your pillow wide in your eye. "Honey, there's one more I found. Could you take this out too? It doesn't need to be done now [yes, yes it does]". This is what it means to be a husband