My Jewish Mishpacha

Oh dear friend dear friend – Oh I’ve got some drama.
With the holidays near – Oh! My Jewish mishpacha
I need some money please lend me a Drachma
‘Cause I must contend with my Jewish mishpacha

Oh friend my dear friend won’t you give me a Zima
For I’ve got a date yes I must see my Ima
To tell you the truth man I’d really not bother
Except that I must – I’m commanded by Aba

I could just sit with a pleasant Merlot
Instead I must deal with my little achoth
I’d go to a concert and listen to Bach
But no, it’s my brother, the pain in my (erm) ach

Oh the pain oh the pain! Yes well I’ll make them see
I’m the Jew that’ll put “Jew” back in “Jubilee”
‘Cause when I've my own, yes my own Jewish mishpacha
We’ll celebrate life with our own Jewish ganja

A Happy Place

Life in many colors there are reds and greens and browns
And life is iridescent with these young people around
Constantly in motion not a moment without sound
And I can't help I'm thinking that that's where my hear is found

This is where I've found my home Brooklyn PLG
I never would have guessed that it would fill me with such glee
Hanging at the cafe as I'm sipping an ice tea
And thinking of how fatherhood has been so good for me

People come in many colors, many shapes and different size
Some of them are women and the other ones are guys
We run around in circles 'til we stop to realize
Life so full of wonder just a magical surprise

Baby training

How to count your fingers, and how to count your toes?
One and two and three and four and that is how it goes
How to get much bigger, and how to eat your food?
A hand and mouth on mommy's breast is sure to help your mood.
And no don't be ridiculous of course that isn't lewd!

How to roll around the room? How to sit up straight
You need to practice - it's hard work! But when it's done its great!
And what to do about your teeth they're going in your jaw?
They are made for chewing when you're eating your coleslaw
No no wait a second don't go chewing mommy's bra!

How to speak our language so you'll be understood?
Well I speak mommy's language and it does me no good!
You like it when I sit with you and read to you a book
You think that they're for eating but they are not just take a look
And when people see you eating them they'll think that you're a shnook :-)

Dreams

If dreams are just dreams and they never come true
Then why do we dream them, and what do they do?
Pictures of pictures collide in my head
It's all too confusing... can I get something else instead?

I had a dream that when all came to rights
I'd wake with the dawn at the end of the night
And the first thing each morning to put in my head
Would be "I'm so lucky! So happily wed!"

But dreams are just dreams not reality true
So Caro my wife I must report to you
There are mornings I'm up without you in my head
... But only when I have left early from bed!
I'd like to sleep better - be with you as we wake
'Cause you're all I've dreamed of, you make my heart ache

Bounce-a-roo

Bounce-a-roo Bounce-a-roo
It's the funnest thing to do!
Bouncing here and bouncing there
Bounce all day hey I don't care!

I'm a bouncing baby
Bouncing's what I do
I bounce and play and bounce and play
Up in the Bounce-a-roo!

Come sit down and watch me

Come see just how I do

I smile I spin I twirl and grin

Up in the Bounce-a-roo!

Bouncing bouncing
Like a kangaroo
I'm your bouncing baby
Up in the Bounce-a-roo!

Bundle of joy

A little one so small and young
Whose life is barely just begun
You smile and laugh and cry and cry
I fall in love as time's gone by
... you are the apple of my eye

A tiny one so full of hope
(Please stop eating your bath soap)
Smile so big and cheeks so flush!
Who could I help but love so much?
... your bottom so soft to the touch!

I cannot say I understood
The way you make me the man I would
Be if all around me I felt the sun
If you're the lotto, then I have won!
... You make it worth living with your mum

(Just kidding!)

Hemidemisemiquaver

In terms of love, well I must say
I’ve a fact I’d like to aver
I love you dear in every way
You’re my hemidemisemiquaver

Caroline when I met you
You know that you have been my savior
You pick me up when I am blue
You’re my hemidemisemiquaver

Hemidemisemiquaver
Hemidemisemiquaver
I’d go on like this forever
‘cause you’re my hemidemisemiquaver

Jan Sweeney

Jan Sweeney is my mother
And what a mother she
And I wouldn't rate another
Even close on quality

And now I'm here to tell the truth
I don't know if she sees
Of all the people in this group
All the thing that she could be

A world class belly dancer
or a 4 star general
A deadly snake enchanter
Or the leader of Nepal

A seer of the future
A diviner of the past
A whiz at the computer
Or a pro in Rhinoplast

A scientist of great renown
Who proves there's life on Mars
The seamstress of the gorgeous gowns
You see on all the stars

Today it is her birthday
She's turning thirty two!
A very jolly mirth day
Congrats congrats to you!

The School of Ten Cries

You think I'm a baby but I'll tell you guys
About all the training I got at 'Ten Cries'
'Ten Cries' its a school for young babies you see
So that babies can be just the best they can be!

Cry one is the simplest - it starts with a wail
To wake up the family or shake up a snail
Cry two is more subtle it starts with a snort
It says "I'm still hungry now get back to work!"

After that we moved on to cry three and cry four
One is for less sounds and one is for more
They didn't inform us of which one was which
They said, "try them both and then watch how they twitch!"

By five six and seven we started to know
Who was an amateur and who would go pro
The either cry resounding and filling the halls
Waking up rodents and bouncing off walls

The ninth cry more quiet with a subtlety
Which brings us to ten - Triumphant! A true revelry!

You now know my secret you know of my plan
But go try to stop me -Hah!- see if you can!
It may seem unfair, you may call me a jerk
But I am the master, now get back to work!

Damnable in America

The bible says there's seven sins most evil in this life
But I say *pssh* that's olden times no need for all that strife

In fact in modern times you're unaware I must presume
For the only sin we have these days is if you don't consume!

Gluttony *pssh* what a crock! Go give it a good try
Eat and eat and eat but also buy and buy and buy!

They say that you're too greedy? Take too much for yourself?
Well tell them buy another one there's much more on the shelf

Pride? Such utter nonsense to deny yourself self-love
You've got your Visa Mastercard and that diamond studded glove!

Envy is a good thing something that I endorse
If your friend should have a pony well then you should buy a horse!

And please don't let the haters talk of sloth at all
Just because you ride in style while they walk to the mall

Go no be vain why not okay for that's what money's for
Spend it on your Gucci bags don't give it to the poor!

And wrath is no big deal my friends and I will tell you why
It's really not so sinful ... just remember buy buy buy!

My baby has her momma's thighs - Country Music(?) Song

(chorus)
My baby has her momma's thighs
My baby has her momma's thighs
Well she's got my hair and she's got my eyes
But my baby has got her momma's thighs

A year ago her mom said "Hal"
The time has come! Get ready now
I'm a good ol' wife and I want my prize
I want a little baby with her momma's thighs

(chorus)

Now I never did see a kid so cute
Smiles at me with her one short tooth
And she can make a ruckus with all the guys
But my baby has got her momma's thighs

(chorus)

A word beyond compare

Did you know? I think you know
A word beyond compare
It isn't terse - not in this verse
And it isn't a foul swear

It isn't a superlative
And it isn't very rare
It isn't 'and' or 'but' or 'with'
And it isn't 'underwear'

It isn't astronomical
Or written in the starts
It can't be gastronomical
Or from Jupiter or Mars

But when I'm with my wife and child
Both straight from heaven sent
The word of words to rule all words?
Well that word is 'content'

Quiet

A little quite had sometimes
It calms the soul absolves your crimes
A precious moment so sublime
For musing on some dorky rhymes

Quiet time you cannot miss
A little person sleeps in bliss
Angelic visage beholding this
All is right... Nothing's amiss

The baby sleeps inside her chair
Without a whim, without a care
Like an Angel come to bear
She glows with light - she sleeps on air

Options for Exercise

Wake up wake up let's go out!
I could use some exercise
C'mon now don't make me shout
Work my pecs my abs & thighs

Swing? Sure but just 1 thing
A bathing suit I did not bring
What about a 10 mile run?
Sounds great... but too much sin

Tennis balls you'd like to hit?
Whoa I'm not sure that I'd like it
Or paddle in a big canoe?
But that's the one thing I never do

Maybe we could take a walk
Assuming that my leg won't balk
What's that then? You want to ski?
You should go that's not for me

So maybe we'll stay in today
The two of us in bed all day
All the sights we will miss out
But maybe we will still work out?

A Well Thawed Out Pan

Behold a pan so perfect
Well thawed out in design
I think its just so worth it
We sell a braid with rhyme

It will give you a probation
And tersen down your sentence
And at the demon station
You'll get holy three and ten pence

Daughter vs WiFi

Hello all you folks can I have your attention
I'm comparing my daughter to WiFi connection
No doubt your aghast and you think that I'm rude
For not give the WiFis the affection I should
But the thing is dear fellows you must understand
WiFis are good but a baby is grand!

With WiFis you've freedom from the computer to stray
However with a daughter - no such luck - you must sit there and stay
With WiFis you are zooming and zapping away
Whereas with a daughter you're changing her diapers all day
But the thing is dear ladies you must contemplate
WiFis are good but a baby is great!

The WiFis will take you around the whole world
You can swim with the fishes or fly like a bird

You can travel straight up to the top of a mountain

Or explore a city and see all its fountains

But the thing is dear people I must let you know

With a daughter there's no limit to how much your heart can grow

The Säugling

The Säugling sucks and sucks some more
Sucking burp light out a snore
Then she wakes and sucks again
Suck suck suck suck her refrain

For those who speak German:

Der Säugling isst alles er isst ganz verruckt
Er isst und er isst und es kommt nach zuruck

A Good Life

I love my wife you know of course you do I say it all the time
It's true that I am chuffed about this little life of mine
I love it for the rhythm and I love it for the rhyme
I love that everyday I wake up next to Caroline
Not to say that every day is always so sublime
But I really think I'm making good my promises divine

You see folks its not like I have always been so fine
I came close to dying back in Nineteen Ninety Nine
I spoke to God and said to him - my troubles's genuine (gen-u-ay-n)
Please save me God please save me and my whole life will be thine

Today I go on living today I'm still alive
And everyday I'm proud to say for Caroline I strive
And here and there be helpful, if helpful I can be
Fulfilling my promise, the promise God made with me

Cold Cold Day

Its a really cold cold day
I won't go outside and play
To my work I will not go
You cannot make me no no no

Here inside its nice and warm
Safe from the impending storm
The only thing - sure you agree!
Is it's much warmer when your with me

Here we are all bundled up
Like a newborn swaddled pup
Your with me and I'm with you
Warmth pervades (you know its true!)

I will stay inside today
Waiting for a warmer day
At least we're both here in our pad
Life it seems is not so bad