What if myths were true?

I've got a friend named Santa. A very jolly guy
He crashed into a drone (oh no!) while he was in the sky
So if you see no presents, I have to tell you folks
Well Santa's in the hospital 'cause both his legs are broke

The Easter bunny's jolly. "Yoo hoo!" Says baby bunting
But he was shot the other day by hunters out for hunting
So now he's in the hospital next to Santa looking grim
So if there is no candy well then you should visit him

The Tooth Fairy is so precious, and what could be more pure?
But check her out on YouTube OH MY GOD she used a racial slur?
But that was back in fairy college and so very long ago
Does she deserve the punishment of such viral vitriol?

The moral of the story folks is very very clear
When talking to your kids make sure you keep it really real

What it means to be a husband

Exhausted, head as heavy a 50 lb dumbbell. Back and shoulders aching, tied up like a pretzel. You hit the mattress.

From down the hall, a noise: "Someone needs to take the recycling down!" "Well, Mr. Back-tied-up-like a pretzel, I know, I know. But you can't say that pretzelie-poo. You see, I/we/you... we got married, and if you reference page 738, you'll see that this is what it means to be a husband.

So up you get... nothing could look more piteous than you do right now. You look one more time pleadingly - to see that the woman of your life is having none of it. "Here: Take this. And this. And this... Oh! And this and this and this". Pretty soon you are carrying more than an human being has the capacity to carry. Cans and empty containers that have fallen out of the over-stuffed bags, litter the way behind you, like a slug leaving its trail of mucus. This is what it means to be a husband.

So off you go, you and your detritus are one. Nothing to do but get it done now, and that's what you do. Almost back home now, almost through the door, almost back on the mattress, the sweet allure of your pillow wide in your eye. "Honey, there's one more I found. Could you take this out too? It doesn't need to be done now [yes, yes it does]". This is what it means to be a husband

Why aren't you stressed?

Hey there person. hey there friend. Hey welcome to our school
Our school's the best you'll be impressed That we have just one rule
If you wan to join us. If you want to have some fun
Then let me tell you what to do you follow our rule 1

Rule 1 is such a good rule to which you'll be impressed
This rule as you will realize is that you must be stressed
Yes everyone must do this for this is our one rule
If not your are too lazy, if not you are not cool

You can be mean or scary or pee pee on a stool
But if you are not stressed out, you've broken our one rule
You can be brown or yellow or anything in between
But if you are not stressed out then right here you can't be seen

You don't want to be stressed you say you've come here just to learn?
Oh dear oh dear I'll make it clear I'm sorry to be stern
But this school's not for learning, see?  we're here so we succeed
And if you want to be like us
  I think you must be stressed like us
    and then you will be blessed like us
So very blessed indeed

To heck with fancy pedagogy we do not need such things
I'll show you what just follow up being stressed brings all good things

Iotas for friends

If you'd like to be added to or removed from this poem, please email me at thjacobs@gmail.com

Iotas for Friends

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This one goes out to my farrier friend
The one I adore and will love to the end
I have no horseshoe to bring you to mend
But you are my wonderful -beautiful!- farrier friend!

This one goes out to my friend named Paulette
She's really somebody you can't forget
She's very charming and I'll take the bet
That one day she could be a Paulette Smolett

This one goes out to my sister say what!
Who's known far and wide for her fierce uppercut
She's basically great but she's sometimes a nut
So here's to my sister who really kicks butt

This one goes out to my sister in law
She is a beauty someone I adore
She hosts us in Kenya never shows us the door
My wonderful beautiful sister in law

This one goes out to my very dear dad
The same one that I've had since I was a lad
He's a great man and oh so very clever
I'll remember you dad! Forever and ever...